Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life

Almost a a quarter to 11am. I should really go in. I got myself a mixed bag of comments.

You should have taken in a nice LA ****...would have resolved all your illness.

I can see that you must have gotten that advice from your mom. Does she still work at the bunny ranch.

What great friends you have, PP. You're sick as a dog and probably a little delirious, and your slutty friend is hooking up and taking advantage of your brain-addled state. heheh.

Yep. You got that right

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today
I'm late for work again
and even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the
and then you call me and it's not so bad
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

- Dido

What do you mean, you feel like you're on borrowed time, hun?
When you said that i got a chill up my spine.

Be well, PP.

Listen, I don't mean to scare anyone but it just feels like the clock is ticking and that I need to do something. Part of it is the biological clock. I have at least a couple of years before I pop the kids out. But I feel like I need to get a move on before something bad happens.

PP, you are so young. It doesn't have to be this way. Get off the treadmill, and find something you love to do. It can be a hobby. The definition of an ideal job is one that the employee would do for free if there wasn't any pay. You are in the enviable position of being able to afford to work wherever you want, so you need to figure out what you want. Don't be fabulous, be happy. And the way to be happy is to find out what makes you want to get up in the morning, what makes you feel clean inside, as if you just ate an apple, and do it all the time. You just have to find it. We have faith in you.

That is really nice of you to say that. I am a little confused about working for free but I sort of get it. I guess you are so insanely in love with your job you just don't care what you're paid. I am not at that point yet.

I know you mean well but the problem is that I don't like to getting up in the morning. I mean this internship has been complete hell since I have to be there at 9am. What I really like to do is shop for Oscar Dela Renta handbags and guzzle mojitos with my friends at B8. So far the only job that where you can do that is being a mistress. No. I am not doing that. Of course ever since I saw Pretty Woman as a girl and I always had a fantasy of being a high class call girl who falls in love with one of her johns who ends up sweeping her off her feet and taking her to Europe.

I don't see my position as enviable. I mean I can ditch this internship anytime I want to. In fact I can pretty much drop out of sight. But is that what I want?

What scares me to death is that I choose something I love then 10 years later I realize I do not love it all but its too late to change or do anything. I have met people who are just miserable with their life choices but they can't do anyhting to change since they are too old to do so. I don't want that to happen to me.

Thank you for your faith in me. I just wish I felt the same way.

Monday, June 27, 2005

sick as a dog

My dreams for tearing it up in LA went up in smoke. Our hotel reservations were completely messed up and I ended up getting sick and stayed in the hotel room the whole time. I was going to call my sister for help but decided agaisnt it. I knew she was going to yell at me for coming to LA and for ditching my intership.

VD took a later flight because she had to meet with some execs at another PR firm. I felt abandoned by her the whole trip since she was out partying and was coming back completely wasted. Meanwhile I am laying in bed sick as a dog only able to eat overpriced oatmeal and ginger ale from room service.

We were supposed to get seperate rooms but because of a screwup ont heir part we had to share a room. VD was pissed and started screaming at the maitre d who tried to appease us by giving us free green fees for the gold course and VD screamed at him saying do we look like we have golf clubs?

We got seperate beds at least but that didn't helped because she kept bringing these guys back. VD told me I was seeing things because I was sick but I know she hooked up because they accidentally jumped into my bed.

The flight back was hell since I kept getting up to throw up and I had the window seat. There was this really fat hair guy in the aisle seat who kept giving me a dirty look everytime I got up. It ended on a really great note when the cabbie ripped me of for 60 bucks to get to Manhattan.

I am in bed felling a bit better and blogging now. I am tryting to figure how I got sick. Was it the sushi?

Its wierd when you are ill. You have no place to go but inside your head. I have been reviewing my life choices over and over. Yes. I am not happy what I am doing. I have to figure out another game plan. But for some reason I feel more stress on myself because it feels like I am on borrowed time. I am 21 years old. Isn't this crazy?

Friday, June 24, 2005

Got to get back to LA

I am soooooooo drunk. Went barhopping with the claque. It was sort of a going away partyI have decided to go with VD to the West Coast. That's right baby. The Prada Princess is going to hit the LA club scene and it is going to see if she can make a name for herself on the susnset strip.

I am busting out my best juicy couture and Jimmy Choos and showing the West Coast how we do it in Manhattan. My flight leaves at 9am and I should pack. But maybe I should take a nap.

Maybe I should visit my old stomping grounds in Malibu.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Driving in the sun Looking out for Number 1 California here we come

Two hours ago I have been holding T's hair as she has been upchucking Chipotle tacos and margaritas. T and I were supposed to go to Spice Market but it was wall to wall. We tried to hit Popburger but that was packed. Thank god for car service. We ended up driving around and we saw a Chipotle and we were just like screw it and we ended up ordering a bunch of margaritas and tacos.

I got the Chicken tacos and T got the pork. Numb, numb, numb. The magararitas made us feel very sexy with our tacos.

T is on my bed sleeping off her drunk and I am reading an email from VD. She's been asked to help out a PR tour All expenses paid. It will also be a chance for her to check out the LA PR scene. She wants me to come with. Ditching work for a trip to the west coast is quite tempting.

I have the urge to put T's hand in a bowl of warm water.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I don't want to be here

I should be doing my internship but I called in telling them I am coming in late. It is so beautiful out it is a crime to be working.

I am thinking of shutting comments down. Some of the stuff that is being written is really starting to piss me off.

I should be used to all of you shouldn't I? I mean it seems everyone is pent up with stress and anger and using me as their personal Paris Hilton.

But I can't. I mean I thought I was used to this but its been hard. I guess seeing my Prof K rattled me pretty badly. I don't think she meant any harm but I felt she was dissappointed in me.

This is not what I saw for myself when I was in college. Here's the deal. In my senior year I did the career thing and sent out my resume. I sent them everywhere I could think off. I thought I was a perfect candidate since I was communications major and I consider myself a specialist in media since I watch a ton of tv and read everything from People to US magazine. But I kept getting rejection emails. Sometimes I thought it was from the same person because they all sounded the same.

I asked VD for help and she hooked me up with an interview at this entertainment magazine show to be a PA. I was totally unprepared. I thought I would be talking about my major and what I wanted to do with news. But just as soon as we shook hands the guy told me to pitch some news stories. I mumbled something about violent video games since I skimmed through a magazine about it in the waiting room. Then he was like how do I feel about them. I said I don't like them. And he was like so you wouldn't do your job you were asked to work on them? I was like no. I would do my job. He was like that's good. He went on saying that personal opinions have no place in news. You put that aside and do your job. He told me a story of how about a PA that was supposed to work on a story about luxury items. The PA was given a camera and was supposed to go help on a shoot with furs being worn by models. It turned out the PA was a animal rights activist and made a total scene at the shoot screaming about how animals are tortured and abused. It caused this huge mess because one of the models started crying and ran out. The PA was fired.

He then asked me what internships I had done in school. I was like none. He was surprised. He was looking at my resume and said that in his words "California is a hotbed of opportunity. I am surprised you weren't able to find at least one internship in LA considering you went to school in Malibu." He went saying that his PAs have at least three internships under their belt and that he had one PA who had done an internship since his senior year in high school. And he is now one of the youngest producers at Fox News.

He then asked me who was Matt Drudge. I was like, is he on weekend update on SNL He looked really pissed at me. He told me it was one of the top internet news wbesites and then he asked me what I read. I told him Us, People and EW. He asked me if I ever read the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal. I was like no. Then he thanked me and that was it.

I never got a rejection letter but I didn't need one since VD screamed at me for screwing up the interview and making her look like an idiot. She couldn't believe I came so unprepared and that did not know what the drudge report was. I know what it is now. I screamed at her for not telling me what to do. She was like I thought you already knew and you never asked. We were so mad at each other and we didn't speak for a week.

That's when I just decided to give up. I did not want to deal with the rejection. It was just too painful. But its kind of weird. I am even more unhappy doing what I am doing now. But if I try this again I know am I going to get my ass kicked.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Live from the Hamptons

I am liveblogging in my underwear from VD's house in Easthampton. I was trying to figure out where I left my bra then I figured out I didn't wear one last night.

I woke to the sound of to one of the claque riding the pony with one of the cute boys we met last night. I think its either K or B. They always start to hyperventialte near climax.

Last night we did a little tour of the Jean Luc empire of the Hamptons. Much food and drink we had. I am not sure who wasdriving. Anyways we hooked up with these very cute alpha males stockbrokers. These were type A personalities, I mean like ex high school football players taking out their aggression on the market.

We ended up doing tequila shots at VD's house. Theose stockbrokers are real hardcore. One of them just bought a penthouse for a cool million. All the money is from his commissions. One of them talked about he only works 4 days a qeek.

I trying to figure out what happened last night but I think we ended up playing strip poker which explains why I nearly naked. This is so hugh school.

I am not in the mood to go out for food because I know everything will be packed. I would like to whip up breakfat here but there is no food in the kitchen.

Someone is blunting up in the house. Its probably T. She kept going to ladies room every five minutes. As my sister would say T was marching with Columbians all night long. It seems she has been going on a bender of tara reid proportions.

It sounds like somone is getting back in the saddle. I need a latte.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Stuck in the slow lane

I was grabbing lunch at Rock center when I ran into my speech teacher from college. She was there visiting family. I hadn't seen her since my junior year. Prof K was this petite ball of dynamite who got us all excited about speaking in front of crowds. One of our assignments was to actually do a speech in public usally by the library. I was always excited to be in her class.

She asked me "If it came true"

I did my final speech in her class that I named "When it comes true". I talked about that when my dreams came true the sky would rain rose petals and I would be on TRL hanging with P.Diddy.

I was like I am working on it. She was surprised that I was an intern at a law officeand was not working at MTV as a VJ. Prof K kept in touch with a lot of my classmates. There was this one funny Cuban guy who is now working in Hollywood as a comedian. Another is working in Vegas working as at a casino.

We couldn't really talk alot since I had to run back to the office. But we exchanged email addresses. I was a little depressed because I felt like I was doing what I should be doing and doing something because I had too.

Where am I going?

Monday, June 13, 2005

Loser girl

I got yelled at Saturday morning by the Big S. Mom told her about my root canal and started to scream at me for taking vicodin. She said if I got addicted to pain killers she would bitch slap me, throw me in a trunk and take me to a one way trip to Promises.

I told her I was just taking it for my root canal and she was like you shouldn't be taking it all. My sister is a bit dramatic when it comes to drugs. When I was 15 she caught me with a bag of pot and punched me in the stomach and then ransacked my room looking for drugs and confiscated a bottle of vodka that I was saving for a rainy day. Then she beat the s**t out of senior who sold me the pot. After that I never got wasted at home. I was lucky though. If it was mom or dad I would have been shipped off to military school in Alaska.

When she was doing her residency she worked in an ER and had to deal with people who were doing the drugstore cowboy trying to score drugs by saying they were sick. One guy tried to con her saying he popped a disc and began screaming to get morphine but my sister figured out he was lying and refused. He got really upset and began chucking s**t all over the ER and was about to take a swing at her when the Chief resident who happened to be the captain of his wrestling team in college took him down. The guy ended up getting moriphine because the chief resident ended up breaking one of his arms.

She told me just take vicodin in smaller doese. Just for the pain and not enjoy the feeling. And as soon as I was better I should throw it away whatever was left. She kept saying that stuff was really dangerous and that she was not going to tolerate drug addicts in our family.

I stayed inside, trying to shake off the Vico high and ended up falling asleep. I got up around 8 and checked my emails. One was from this DJ friend of mine I hadn't seen since we saw each other Arlene's Grocery last year. He was inviting me to a gig he was doing to this place on 54 by Lex. At first I was like uh uh. I don't go in the neighborhood to get my kicks but I wanted to go out. And going to B8 and Marquee requrires VD's connections. So I decided to go. I was so happy to get out.

It wasn't until I was halfway there that I realized I was going to be alone. The claque was hanging in the HamptonsI kind of hyperventilated and was about to make an about face and go home. But then I was like its not a big deal. The club we'll be packed and no one will notice. I'll talk to the DJ have a few drinks and flirt with some boys and go home.

When I got there I told the promoter my name and was let in. The music was blaring and I began to get my club on and when I almost dropped a brick in my thong. The club was like nearly empty. Most of the people inside the club were the bouncers and barbacks. I spotted him at his booth. He was busy with working on his laptop that was attached to his turbtables. I was like where are your records. He told me he sold them off and has his entire record collection on his laptop. It was a pain the ass carrying those crates with him. He asked me if I was meeting anyone here. I told him the claque took off to the Hamptons and I was going to join them. I made a comment about how few people were here. He was like, it usally starts to get crowded at midnight. I felt so stupid. I go here to early.

We talked a bit but there were really uncomfortable silences. Well it wasn't really silent since the musi was really loud it was just that he stopped talking and had to work on his laptop while I stood around looking interested.

I hate being alone at clubs. It is sort of like eating alone at a restaurant. It gives off a vibe of desperation and loneliness. It sort of announces to the world "Hi. I'm such a big loser that I couldn't get one person to come out with me. Tat's why is easier to blend in a crowd. People are too drunk to notice. If a girl is alone she will dance with other girls on the floor so it looks like she is part of the group. But there was nothing to work with out there.

At that point I just felt like going home. But I didn't want to hurt the DJ's feelings. But then I Was thinking he probably is too busy to care. Then I realized what I should have done was come in and first tell him that I give him a story that I was comign to stop by because I was on my way to another party. Now I was stuck here.

I didn't even bother getting my usual vodka cranberry I just stood by the DJ while I saw the trickling of people come in. I felt insecure as crowds people were coming in. There was this one girl who was sitting alone going through her purse and I saw her taking a pack of cigs out. I thought of a perfect way to get out and not look like a complete loser. As she would walk out, I would go up to her and ask for a smoke and we would walk out together and I would make my escape. For somone who was alone she seemed so much at ease. She got up with the pack in her hand and began to walk towards the entrance and I was about to make a beeline for her when some guy came up to her and kissed her. No wonder she was so relaxed. She had her hot boyfriend with her.

I was desperate to make an exit but I was tapped out of ideas. Finally I said to the DJ that I ahd split and prepared for the hurt speech about why don't you stick around. Things are going to be jumping. But he was sooo like whatev. He siad it was cool and went back to his laptop.

I walked outside and saw a crowd of people hanging outon the sidewalk smoking and talking. The crowd was a bit aB&T which made me feel even more of a loser. I took a cab and went home.

Friday, June 10, 2005

die shiksa die

I saw this in the Post about girl who's goal in life is to be a goy toy.

"It's hard enough to find someone if you want to stay in your own religion," says Kimberly Temner, a 26-year-old publicist who lives in New York.

"The Jewish community is small, and when Jewish men get snapped up by non-Jews, it leaves less for me."

I mean ok they are right Jewish men are great but keep your hands to yourself. I guess I am a little bitter because my ex dumped me for somone not part of our tirbe. Its one of the reasons why I stopped using jdate. I just oculdn't deal with the competition.

I would like to marry a nice Jewish boy. I mean crazy as it may seem but my religion is important to me. I may seem hypochondriac because I do not speak hebrew and know a shmear of yiddish but I want to raise Jewish children. But can't you do that with a non-Jew. Ok you could marry one and make them convert but I have not heard of that happening. At one in my life I want to get married and have children and live in a house in Greenwich.

I am laying in bed while my apartment shakes. The people above me are having a party. I am alone while the claque is off to the Hamptons. Can't go since I am still recovering. VD said I was really lucky to get the good s**t and asked if she could share my stash. I told her hells no. I earned my high with the pain and aggravation I went through yesterday.

Pain is acting up. Better grab another V.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Vicodin dreams

I'm on drugs. I woke up this morning with a live wire sticking in my mouth. One of my front teeth was on fire. I called Mom who asked if I cracked it or anything. I was like no. She called in an emergency appointment to my dentist. So I call up work and tell them I am not coming in to work. Big surprise and than I run over to the dentist. I wait about a half our in the waiting room for the dentist tell me I need a root canal. When I told mom she freaked out. But the dentist gave us three referrals. Mom knew two of them but they were all booked up. The third endo person was somone that was a student in a class the dentist once taught.

She turned out to be to be this really sweet Korean woman who lives in Westchester and has a practice in the city. Mom gave her the third degree about where she went to school. How long she has been doing endo. She even asked her age. A couple of hours I was pain fre but not quite out of the woods yet. She left piece of cotton in my tooth. She told me that she did not do fillings so I should make an appointment with my dentist to get that done. She also gave me a prescription for some sweet vicodin. This was not cheap. Cost almost 1k.

Yummy viocodin. It wraps around me like a warm lover after a hot session of bedroom gymnastics. I don't want to move or do anything. I just want to lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling. It has taken me like 5 hours to write. I stand up go to teh key board, type and then lie down. The vicodin washes everything away everything. My troubles at work, my weight problem, the lack of a man in my life, my parents.

I wish it was like this all the time. I wish everyone would stay out of my business. I am stoned right now. If trollho were to get hit by a bus I would just giggle.

Watching Mtv Video Awards. Dakota Fanning is so creepy. Getting award. Pain's coming. Dropping another v.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Good bye Mrs. Robinson

Anne Bancroft has passed away. I remember the first time I saw her was in To be or Not to be. I thought she was amazing fighting the Nazis at Mel Brook's side and so funny. Anne, you will be missed.

Mind your business

I am at work blogging. No one really notices since their too busy with their own work. If something needs to be done a lawyer just tosses it on my desk and mutters something.

Yesterday I was invited out to lunch with one of the paralegals, Tgirl. She suggested we go the Shake Shake. Tgril is why my Grandma would have called a nebbish. she gets pushed around in the office alot. It was abit of trip to Madison Square Park but I there is only so many times you can go to Rock center for lunch fighting tourists for a table.

It felt like a turkish towel was wrapped around me when I was outside. It was alot worse with all these people running around. When we arrived at the Shake Shack I figured why she wanted to go here because the rest of the paralegals including trollho were on line. I wanted to run away but they saw me and they let us cut in line.

I felt like such a loser as I was eating my sucking down my chocolate and eating cheesefries. The only pleasure I took was eating my cheeseburger. Although it was busy we were able to get a table..

The girls were talking about random stuff from the weather to hard it was to find a table. Someone mentioned about how Star Wars was making so much money even though the movie sucked. Trollho blurted out that maybe its because I bought all of the tickets with my trustfund. All the girls giggled. I was this close to smacking that girl.

I was like excuse me?

Trollho kept pushing on my trustfund. That with all my money I could easyily afford to buy anything I want. How much is it?

I was like that's none of your business.

Trollho was like well its obvious not very much if you are working here.

I was so pissed. Is that how you judge people? By how much they are worth? You are so shallow.

One of the paralegals, Katiedid, told us to chill out and that Trollho was joking and there was no reason to get angry.

I just glared at trollho not finishing my food. She just ignored me.

Who the f**k do you think you are? How dare you ask this question joke or not.

This is what sucks about having money. When everyone knows you have it they think you are bulletproof and go after you. I understand why David Chapelle took off because $50 million will make even your friends turn into your enemies.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Summer rolls and shoes

My brother inlaw came in late night taking the red eye from lax. He had to stay behind to work on some real estate deal and drop of the kids with his parents. He's a complete zombie who is being pushed and pulled by my BS. We said our goodbyes because they are leaving after the wedding.

Its a beautiful day for a wedding. This is the kind of day I want to be married. All dressed in white while the sun shines on me. I spent yesterday with the BS searching for shoes. I thought she should go for Jimmy Choos. She chose Manolos. After shoe shopping we went to down to chinatown and some Vietmanese food.

Over summer rolls I told her about work and how I got into trouble for ditching early for the hamptons. She nearly had a sh*tfit.

BS "What you did was so ghetto. "

Me "I don't understand what the big deal is? I am just an intern."

BS "It doesn't matter if your an intern or the dishwasher. Your hired to do a job and you are expected to take care of it. Ohmigod. Are you like on welfare?"

Me "But I hate working there. I mean the people there are so mean. It seems they are all out to get me."

BS "Sweetie, everyone is mean wherever you go. And everyone is out to get you. That's life. Whether you go to Dalton or Harvard you are going to deal with a**holes of all types and varieties. If you don't like being there then just quit. Stop wasting your time."

I just stirred my pho , staring a the noodles as they swirled in the bowl.

BS "Please just get it together."

Me" Yes doctor."

Friday, June 03, 2005

Hamptons out

The Big Sis is coming in tonight for a wedding this weekend. Its my job to pick her up from JFK. Orders from the Mom and Dad. I was so p'oed and asked why they couldn't just get dad's car service. Dad yelled at me saying it was punishment for abusing the car service and running up a huge bill going to Brooklyn. And if dented the Mercedes he would personally cut me off my trustfund. I was like yeah, yeah you said that at Thanksgiving and I sill able to buy my D&G. He was like watch it.

I am actually kind of glad that the BS is coming in. The rest of the claque is going to the hamptons because there is nothing else to do. I am the only one taking a hamptons break which is just as well since the weather looks crummy and although alst weekend was alot of fun there was alot of stupid s**t that happened which included losing my cell and VD losing her car keys. But plenty of fun meeting good bf material and clubhopping. But because VD lost her keys we all ended up taking LIRR. An experience I never want to repeat.

The wedding is on Sunday so we will have plenty of time to go shopping and BS has been thinking about hitting Woodbury Commons which I am not too crazy about.

The office is basically empty. The lawyers are in court. The rest of the paralegals took an early lunch w/o inviting me of course. I don't care. I don't need them.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Almost fired

I got into so much trouble when I came into work today. The partner who interviewed me ripped me a new cootchie. She told me why I why I didn't show up last Thursday and Friday and I told her I was sick with food poisoning. She told me that was no excuse. She knew paralegals who would come back to work right after surgery. Which I think is BS but I just let it go.

She went on saying that I was walking on thin ice since I was coming in late and missing work and that I had to pull in a full work load. And I had better shape up or else they would be looking for another intern. I was really pissed and told her I thought that she was being unfair and why was I given a full workload since I was a 10 dollar an hour intern? She told me it didn't matter if I was getting 10 bucks or 10 cents. As long as I was getting paid I better do my job. I wanted to tell her to go to hell and walk out of the office. I wanted her to fire me. I didn't have ot take this. But I knew that if that happened my parents would never leave me alone. And I think she knew it too. Bitch.

I walked out and went back to playing xerox jockey. I imagined the trollho and the rest of those bitches having s***s and giggles over me getting reamed. I know why people have vacations. So they can get away from the A-holes in the office.