Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Why Playboy hates you.

Yes. I am alive. I have been able to post for awhile because of work and just because I haven’t been in the mood. But there has been so much going on. I could go on about Spitzer Patterson and Mcreevy all night. But it is all that everyone is taking about. I will say I am not surprised about the threesome accusation about Dina and her ex husband. I mean you have to be a freak of a woman to be able to make a gay man straight for such a long time. In fact I admire her talents and her sense of adventure for what she was able to pull off for so long.

I think the biggest deal is the Kristin Davis pictures that hit the web. Apparently these were taken several years ago before she hit it big. She says it isn’t her. All I have to say is that just from these two pictures, I have only things to say to this whoever it is. Hit the gym and look in to Brazilian waxing. Also if her ex-boyfriend did do this he is a piece of s**t.

I think the most atrocious pictures I have seen are from this What would Tyler Durden do?

Audriana from the Hills had aspirations to become a glamour model and submitted photos to Playboy.

According to Splash News

Sources say the beauty from a wealthy Orange County family was a natural in front of the camera and loved every second of the shoot at an LA mansion.
They told how she was thrilled with the results and particularly the raunchy schoolgirl pics.
But now the pictures she urged a photographer friend to take when she was 19 could come back to haunt her.
A source told how Audrina had had enough of posing for bikini shots and decided she wanted to be a glamour model.
"She was determined to go ahead with it, even though she was warned to wait and see how her modelling went before doing topless stuff.
"She was always comfortable in front of the camera and wasn't shy or nervous about doing a nude shoot.
But Audrina's hopes of impressing glamour magazine editors were shattered when Playboy showed no interest in her pictures.
The insider said: "Looking at the pictures you'd say they were crazy to turn her down.
"She looks absolutely sensational.

She looks absolutely sensational for internet porn.

I am not a Playboy buff, I am more into Vogue and Glamour girl but from what I know about the magazine industry, a magazine like Playboy is probably very competitive. The editorial staff is probably bombarded with tons of unsolicited submissions. Playboy is a very strong brand and it has proven with playmates like Pamela Anderson that it can be a spring board to fame and fortune. Hugh Hefner has been at this so long that I bet all he has to do is glance at picture of a naked girl and he will know whether she has the playboy look or not.

Audrina does not have that look and I will explain why.

Here is the first picture BTW this NSFW

As you can see Audrina is laid out topless reclining on the stairs with her plaid pink mirco mini ala naughty schoogirl.

As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words, and the words this pictures saying is What the f**K”?

I mean seriously there is no context to this photos. All it is her topless and reclining in a hoochie pose on a set of stairs. As if the stairs is the hugest turn on in the world which it isn't. Her outfit and overall look say naughty punk schoolgirl who wants to get it on. But the wooden stairs and the background say suburban house in Orange County. It just doesn’t work. It would be more appropriate if she was in a punk rock club or on a stripper pole. The only way this picture works right is if there were three guys about to tag team her.

The second photo is another train wreck. NSFW.

This time she is standing up in the classic hands around her head, sticking out her chest pose with her “You want my body” facial expression. What I see here is that she has making of an endomorphic body. Does her car have a flat because she has plentyof spare tires. DO SOME CRUNCHES GIRL AND CUT OUT THE COCA PUFFS! She really needs to hit the gym and get rid of the baby fat.

This photo is just full of clichés.NSFW

Eyes closed, wearing an orange cowboy hat, with one arm up in a Cleopatra pose the other arm covering her cootchie. Standing in a hot tub. This is probably one of the most awkward poses I have ever seen. This is a blatant misuse of the environment. What Audrina should have done was get rid of the cowboy hat and use the hot tub. Let the soap cover her up her nether regions while letting the naughty bits poke out. The hand on the crotch looks completely amateurish. Also get rid of the candle stick holders. It feels like she is about to serve a 12 course meal naked.

Now this just ridiculous. NSFW

From the way the water from the pool is showing her legs it looks like she is squatting down on the verge of laying a big steaming pile. The expression on her face is not very glamorous or sexy. In fact she looks annoyed. I remember in a film class I took in college that one of the most important visual effects is the face. That is one of the core things that the audience can relate to. The reason why certain actors are successful is that they are able to communicate with their faces to the audience. My guess is that one of the things Hef looks for in a Playmate is a woman who is sincerely happy to show her naked body to the world. His readers are to able to feel that joy from that playmate. Remember, boys have feelings too. They don’t want to feel bad or depressed looking at naked girls. Also the lighting is also not very flattering since she looks quite pasty.

Another cliche. NSFW

Once again she uses the hands behind the head pose but it doesn’t work. It is a very unflattering shot of her left boob and makes it look like it is riding up to her under arm which screams bad implant job. Her expression is extremely unhappy and once again the water makes her legs look weird but this time it makes look as if she has cottage cheese in her ass.

Now this picture (NSFW) is just too much and should have never made it into the pile. What hits me first is her facial expression. It says the following

“Hurry up and take the f**king picture already”

Her boobs are probably in great shape but they look like the aftermath of a bad boob job. I mean they look complete misshapen. And of course we have the water again making her lower body look like a Dali painting.

These pictures probably never made it to Hef since they were so horrible. Audrina is lucky that they did not send a hit squad of Playmates to take her down for looking completely horrible.

So how did this whole mess even happen in the first place? According to TMZ

In a statement made through her rep, Audrina tells TMZ "I took these photos years ago when I was just out of high school and beginning to model. I was young and very trusting of others and I didn't know to protect myself. It is a lesson learned, for myself, and hopefully for the young girls who look up to me."

I think what really happened was this. Audrina was the really hot popular girl in school who always got what wanted. And being that rich and popular she developed a mental schema that was afflicted with entitlement and narcissism. Feeling that her natural sexiness and the fact she was rich, she convinced herself she could be in Playboy.

She either got the photo editor of her high school year book or some photographer who convinced her that he could get her into Playboy. Either way they had no business taking these pictures because they display no fundamentals of camera angles and lighting. Then she probably went into her closet to find the most skanky outfits she could find and settled on something she wore for the senior class Halloween breakfast sans the top and the cowboy hat she got for flashing her boobs on Girls Gone Wild when she was in Cancun. Then she convinced her Daddy who probably has issues of his own about his relationship with his daughter to pony up the cash to pay for this abortion of a glamour model portfolio.

Whether it is a spread in Playboy or Vanity Fair, it takes an army of people to put together these photos, from a photographer, costume designer, set designer, makeup and a platoon of assistants. It seems like overkill but compare Audrina’s photos to any in Playboy and you will see the difference. Also Playboy is a classy men's magazine. They do not do anything pornish. In fact Hugh Hefner has a policy not to use women in porn.

Contrary to popular belief, Hugh Hefner does not only have young girls in Playboy but he has had more mature women show off their stuff. Some of them in their 50’s. Audrina’s body at that time had not fully developed. You can tell that she is still in the last stages of puberty and her body has still not decided on its final game plan. Also she needs to work out and tighten and tone all her lady parts. There is nothing wrong with having a big ass. Look at Jessica Alba and Jennifer Lopez, they have amazingly huge asses but they are not sagging and do not wiggle in the wrong places.


Post a Comment

<< Home