Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The Deafening Silence of Oprah

This was on TMZ.

Rosie O'Donnell is picking a fight with Oprah over the talk queen's controversial interview with kidnapped teen Shawn Hornbeck. Lots of people are outraged, and many are screaming exploitation. But will O v. Ro turn into another Trump-scale nuclear conflict?

Sources tell TMZ that Oprah's M.O. is always the silent treatment, and that she's not going to get into a Trump-Rosie-style war with O'Donnell. For instance, sources say that Oprah can't stand Dr. Phil McGraw, who she thinks is utterly ungrateful to her. But rather than smack him down publicly, she's dissed privately by not showing up to significant events in his life.

I am a white girl with an enormous trustfund that dwarfs the GNP of most third world countries. But even I am in awe of the power of Oprah.

Babs, if you want to keep the View and your legacy do yourself a favor and take Rosie out fishing on Lake Tahoe and when you come back alone just say there was a boating accident. Trust me. No one will quesiton you.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Ode to Lindsay

Lindsay Lohan, you’ve been dealt with a bad hand. But it’s all your own making so don’t even try to be faking. So James Franco from Spiderman didn’t want to be your man. It sent you off on a bender, which resulted in drinking enough alcohol for 10 blenders.

So take hold, because you are in control. Mistakes can be undone so that you can enjoy another day in the sun. If you turn into a Factory Girl, it would really make me hurl. Edie Sedgwick was lead to her death by the meth. Even Andy Warhol was appalled that his muse became confused. And chose a path that only led to facing her own wrath.

I’d hate for that to happen to you, especially someone as special as you. Keep your head high and do the rehab stride. 10 years from now when you are holding your Oscar, you will reflect upon those dark days that somehow led you to prosper.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


"Do you want to get married? You like children? You want to have your own children. Every girl wants to have children even lesbians."

"Well hello to you to mom."

Of course it is my mother's way to greet me with questions about my ovarian instincts. It is the way of the Jewish mother to nag their children to the point of their kids wanting to rip their own ears off. Since I have been employed I have been able to shield myself from any attacks from but this time her tone of voice had a bit more of panic to it than normal.

"Did you get my email? Did you read the article?"

"Yes. I did."

"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"Right now. Nothing."

This was the wrong answer. For it set off a tirade.

"Sweetie, you need to get serious about. You need to start thinking about your future."

"I have plenty of time."

"PP, time moves very fast. One day your out at frathouse having a kegger, then the next you know you your celebrating your 35th birthday with a 100 housecats."

"Mom. Your being irrational."

"No. I'm being realistic. Here's the bitter truth. Being single is horrible. You need to get married so that you have somone to share the burden of life."

"Oh that is really comforting. Dad can tell you that married couples are some of the most miserable people in the world."

"Which just proves my point. They at least have somone to be miserable with."


"Did you know that your grandmother considering putting a marriage clause in your trustfund?"


"She was thinking of putting in a clause that only you more access to your fund if you got married. But she decided against it. She felt that it would be unfair to interfere with your life in that fashion and you be resentful if you felt you were forced into making such an important decision. All that mattered to her was that you married somone who loved and respected you."

"That was very sweet of her."

"Yes. I know. So what's taking you so long?"


"PP, my worst fear is to be on my death bed knowing that you are living alone in the world. Don't let me die like that."

"Mom, stop being dramatic. You're not going to die."

"I am eventually. And I would like to know before I take my last breath that I haven't raised a spinster."

"Well I have sometime before that happens."

"Oh my god. That is so inconsiderate."


"Your going to wait till I am on my death bed to get married? That is unbelieveable."

"Mom. That's not what I meant. Jesus."

"PP, I have known many a socialite and debutante with money to burn and looks to match. The smart ones usually get married. Sometimes they get divorced, some stay together in loveless marriages and others get lucky and live happily ever after. But I have seen others who decide to stay on the field even when their game is over and another team is coming onto the field. I knew this one girl who practically lived in Studio 54. During the 80's she went off LA to try to become an actress/singer/model. Then she went off to India to join an ashram. I ran into her recently she is now a teacher at a yoga studio. We caught up. She went through some relationships but never got married. She talked about these amazing experiences she had. I was really in awe of she did. But then I realized something. All she had were memories. I mean, I will never do even half of what she does and I respect her decisions but all she has left are stories and what is the point of having stories when you have no one to tell them to."

"So what do you have to show for your life?"

"Two beautiful children."

"So it is all about procreation."

"Well its more than just extending the survial of my DNA, it is know that your father and I created with our love something special with the two of you."

"Aww that's sweet."

"So have you tried speed dating? That's an event I know of a synagogue that has a lot of cute Jewish doctors. If you don't hurry up they will all be taken."

"Well according to this article they are going to remain single for awhile."

"Just think about it. The last thing you want to happen is realize your 50 years old and you want a kid and you pull a Madonna and start kidnapping every third world child you find."

"Just email me the link."

I think my mother does have a point. I don't want to be an old maid. I mean these statistics are pretty f**ked up.

In 2005, 51 percent of women said they were living without a spouse, up from 35 percent in 1950 and 49 percent in 2000.

Coupled with the fact that in 2005 married couples became a minority of all American households for the first time, the trend could ultimately shape social and workplace policies, including the ways government and employers distribute benefits.

Several factors are driving the statistical shift. At one end of the age spectrum, women are marrying later or living with unmarried partners more often and for longer periods. At the other end, women are living longer as widows and, after a divorce, are more likely than men to delay remarriage, sometimes delighting in their newfound freedom.

In addition, marriage rates among black women remain low. Only about 30 percent of black women are living with a spouse, according to the Census Bureau, compared with about 49 percent of Hispanic women, 55 percent of non-Hispanic white women and more than 60 percent of Asian women.

I mean there is two ways to look at this. Being single is the new normal for women. women are more comfortable not being members of the institution of marriage. In fact they don't need to be married to be happy. The other perspective is this all just a facade by women who are facing the reality that they will be alone for the rest of their lives. So they put on a shiny face and proudly show their singlehood as a badge of honor. There's nothing wrong with that. However women shouldn't confuse acceptance as happiness. Accepting a situation that you can't change is simply adapting to it. You are no longer in conflict with it because you are not confronting it. But it doesn't mean you are happy. you are just resigned to this dynamic.

But marriage is really complicated. It is not just about love but it is also about asking the right questions and see if you and your spouse are on the same page. Because nothing sucks more than being in a committment and realizing the person you are comitted is reading a differnt book. That's how I lost him.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Fighting the dragon

This field of golden wheat shimmered in the light of the sun which warmed my face. A cool light wind blew across the field which made roll like waves on a beach. Then it got weird.

I was standing in the field when a red two headed dragon came into the sky. It made a horrible screech that pierced the air and brought forth mass of dark clouds then it began to shoot flames out of its mouths destroying the fields and any memory of a beautiful day.

I felt scared helpless. Then I got very, very angry. It was then I saw a sword and a shield on the ground and I grabbed both of them and began to run toward the two headed dragon. The dragon began shoot flames down on me but I blocked it with my shield. I could feel the heat all over my body but the fear of being burnt alive was crushed by this one powerful thought. "You're going down."

With a mighty yell, I sprung up into the air and landed on the chest of the dragon and proceeded to slash and cut away. The dragon roared with anger but I would not stop. Then the dragon smacked away my shield and was about to set me aflame when I took my sword with both hand and with a downward motion and I plunged it all the way in its chest.

There was a bright flash and then a deafening explosion. I found myself sailing in the air. Then I was laying in the grass watching the two headed dragon stumble violently to its death. A smile curled in my lips.

Then I woke up. I was a little confused. I mean I never had a dream where I dress up as Joan of Arc. My dreams usually involve manolo blahniks and Ben and Jerry's. I had just talked to my Dad about what was going on at work. Was the dragon the two glamour asses from work? If that was the case what did the sword and shield represent? This is what happens when you work with people who's sole occupation is playing Dungeons and Dragons.

But then it became clear. I had to fight. No matter how scared I was of these girls, I had to take a stand.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Laying the hammer down

The office is still reverberating from what I pulled off with the Christmas presents but as far as I am concerned, I had no choice and I got the job done. Here's how it went down.

My teeth began to grind whenever I heard the voices of these two glamour asses. It was only several days before Christmas and only half of the presents were ready to be shipped off.

But these two Olsen twin wannabees from Long Island were completely useless as they spent most of their time web surfing and taking twenty minute smoking breaks. Even though they threw in another intern for me, these two b****es were completely f**king up the program.

They would show up late for work and then spend most of the time f**king around on the computer. Then they would bitch and moan about why they were doing this and that they should going back to Long Island to help with Christmas with their families. Then spend their time talking about Laguna Beach and the clubs in the meat market. When they weren't working they would be out flirting with the rest of Section 9. It would take me twenty minutes to track them and when I would find them they would be surrounded by a bunch of geeks giggling away as they sipped their cappucinos.

Then my boss who was of no help since was he undergoing 5 mental breakdowns a day and every email I sent him was replied with "Just get it done." The only time he ever talked to me was to yell at me to keep the glamour asses in check since they were disrupting the productiivty. I was at my wits end when I called and left voicemails and emailed HR but I never got a response. It wouldn't surprise me if she was screening my calls after our last meeting.

But apparently she was listening since D the intern jumped into the scene. He was a Chinese kid from Baruch on the chunky side. I was hoping they would become motivated when they saw him action. He was f**king machine as he began wrapping and slapping tape on the presents.

I came inches away from stabbing them with a pair of safety scissors when I sent them off to get more wrapping apper and they didin't return till the end of the day with a completely fabricated story about that they were running all over the city looking for wrapping paper.

It got worse for D since these girls went into full Lindsay Lohan mode as they began make catty comments why he wasn't in Harvard if he was so smart and why was he such a kiss ass. And when the whole Rosie O'Donnell broke out, they cculdn't making comments about the connection between Chunky's ethnicity and Rosie's grasp of the Mandarin language . At one point they asked him if he was related to Connie Chung because of his last name.

He tried to laugh it off but I could see from the slight twist in his face that he was angry and he just wish they would stop. I would try to jump in and chill them out but they would use the excuse of "Oh it's just a joke." or "The constitution protects us to say whatever we want."

I felt powerless and impotent. I was at the mercy of these b**ches who thought they were hot s**t because they went to Gallatin and they both drove SAABs. I could get a fleet of SAABS with a snap of my fingers. They think they are rich because their parents own a used car dealship and a 5 Dunkin Doughnut franchises. That's not rich. I'm rich. They are just B&T.

But I don't say s**t. I am too scared. If I piss them off they will take off and screw me over and I am left to deal with this situation.

That night I called my Dad for help. If there is was anyone that could tell me how to get control of the situation it was him.

After presenting him with the situation he went lawyer on me and with a stoic tone began to put the whole thing together.

"Your objective is to wrap up and send out those presents?"

"Yes." I said as I curled up in my bed.

"And these two girls are supposed to help you?"


"And they are not only preventing you from doing your job but they are also creating a hostile enviornment for one of the interns that could potentially result in a lawsuit?"


"Besides telling you to get the job done your boss has been unable to assist you in the matter?"


"And HR has also been equally unhelpful."

"Dad, is there a point to this?"

"Just bear with me. So basically you are the one in charge?"


"Then this is a simple matter of leverage. You are the authority which means you have leverage over everyone."

"Leverage? What leverage? I can't even get two interns to follow my orders."

"Then you have to create it."

"How the hell do I do that?"

"Do I have to do everything for you?"

"Dad, please. I really need your help."

"Okay. Do you know why I am such a successful lawyer?"


"Because I have a high rate of settling cases before they even go to court. Clients love that because going to court sucks. When you go to litigation you failed in your job as a lawyer. When you go to litigation you are putting the welfare of your client in the hands of a judge or jury. And the key to success is all about leverage. I learned early on that leverage is all about wants and needs. Whenever I face another lawyer my objective is to figure out what their client wants and needs are. Once I figure that out I will determine how to take control of their wants and needs and then I get to call the shots. If you want to break in those wannabe Paris Hiltons in then you have to determine their wants and needs."

"So how does this apply to my situation."

"Figure it out."

Then he hung up.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Oh no, OC


Seriously, the show jumped the shark awhile ago. I eman there is onyl so many times you can have end the season with somone dying or leaving the OC only to come back next season.