After the Oscars

I am riding on a high of red bulls and chocolate chip cookies. This was my fuel last night while watching the Oscars and writing my reports. I had 4 hours of sleep after putting together my media analysis of the Oscars for my boss the Queen. And with her sharp British accent and tabloid fortitude she will tear it apart.

Already I know it is going to be a long day because Rant man is in rare form screaming about discriminatory the Oscars were despite the fact the African America and Mexican faction totally ripped apart their European counterparts. As soon as I walked into the office he demanded that I look at this site.

What probably sucked the most was how little recognition Infernal Affairs received for being the original source material for The Departed, which won several Oscars including Best Picture. Martin Scorsese, ever the director's director, did acknowledge Andrew Lau ("Andrew Law," I think he called him) in his acceptance speech for Best Director. But when it won for Best Adapted Screenplay, the announcer said The Departed was adapted from a Japanese film. Completely wrong. What a slap in the face. The guys who write the copy couldn't do even the basic freaking level of research? I guess all Asians really are alike to them. And when it won for Best Picture, producer Graham King made absolutely no mention of Infernal Affairs at all. You've got the top spot of the evening and you can't throw a bone to the movie that made your win possible? That's disrespect.


I glad that Al Gore won because Rant Man would have been tearing the office apart screaming of a conspiracy.

Overall, I think the Oscars were, well, they were just there. I was glad Jennifer Hudson won. Now that is a big f**k you to Simon Cowell. I am a big fan of Alan Arkin ever since I saw Slums of Beverly Hills but I was really gunning for Eddie Murphy. Mark Whalberg, thank god, did not win. His ego is big enough as it is. Bad enough he’s from Boston. Helen Mirren you will always be Queen. Forrest Whitaker, the moment I saw you in the Crying Game I knew you were the man.


Ellen was being Ellen. I am glad that did costume changes with her suits.

What I am really not looking forward to is the amount of television we are going to watch to day. The Queen had three tivos rigged in the office to record the Oscars so I know we will be going through them today with a fine toothed comb.

You are probably wondering why the hell anyone would pay money for analysis of the Oscars. Well the Oscars are considered to be the gold standard for award ceremonies. Every angle is analyzed to see where they succeeded and failed, from the red carpet to the musical numbers. I won’t name our clients but there is a significant portion of the award show industry who will be reading our reports. I know, hard to believe there is such thing as the “Award show” industry. I am not surprised that they look towards the Oscars for new tricks to liven things up. If you think about it award shows are pretty standard. A bunch of people get nominated, they show up at a ceremony that is led by a two bit comedian, awards are given out, speeches are made and the rest of the night is dedicated to draining a couple of kegs.

They do what they can to make it fresh even if it means cannibalizing other shows to do it. Starting to come down. Better freshen up with another Redbull. Looks like the cast coming together. Salad dancer walks in with Crow. The two are cackling away about the Oscars. Sounding more excited than they are supposed to be, as if they were at the Oscars. I hope Salad Dancer brushed her teeth because I thought my face was going to melt off because of her breath.

Here’s the Queen followed behind by her loyal assistant, it appears she hasn’t had her morning coffee yet. Time to split.

Nostalgia is dead

Nostalgia is dead

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker once about nostalgia. He was raised in the 80’s where he gorged himself on 80’s television staples like the A-team and Miami Vice. It was the era where Michael Mann and Stephen J. Cannel ruled the airwaves.

One of his favorite shows was the cartoon GIJoe. He always watched the mini series and when it began to air every day he was at his television right after school. The best days were Fridays when he would get together with his friends to watch the episodes. What was even better was when the Transformers were added to the line up.

Then the shows were canceled and they only lived in his memories. When the years passed he would hear a theme song or see a random toy in a store and he would remember those days. Then in college he found like-minded geeks who also remember those days and they relived it bootleg tapes of their favorite cartoons.

But now as he put it, Nostalgia is dead. As soon as a show is cancelled it is packed in a DVD to be sold on the Internet. Eventually all shows will be available to watch online. Even the commercials of that were shown at that time. There is no such thing as the generation gap because if someone older spouts out something that seems antiquated, well all someone has to do is go online to figure out what those words means. The phrase “You needed to be there.” doesn’t mean anything because you don’t have to be there; all you have to d is go to wikipedia.

Then he got a little weird. And begin talking about nostalgia as loss, mourning, remembrance of days gone past. His argument was that without nostalgia there is no meaning that is why the life cycle of television is now so quick and meaningless.

I am thinking about this as I stare at my DVR that contains the final episode of the OC. I am unsure what to do. Should I wait a couple of more weeks before I watch the final episode or should I just get it over with? When I saw the first episode I instantly fell in love with the story of a kid from Chino living in a posh suburb that even his parents couldn’t afford to live in.

Now it is all over, like a high school summer romance. But I don’t want it to need. I want that same feeling I get every night the show is on. I am afraid I am going to lose that feeling. That it will be just another show.

I admit it. I lost interest after they killed off Mischa Barton, but I slowly started to get back into it. Then they decide to pull the plug.

I’ll wait another day.

Holy Sh*t!

This is f**ked in the head.

As anyone who has read my blog, I have had my freak out moments. I averaged two about a year during college. One time it was so bad that my big sister had to fly out for the weekend to coax me out from under my desk. My last meltdown was when I was freaking out over the fact I was so overwhelmed with school work. It stopped before it went past stage one, which is when I order a family sized bucket of chicken, when my parents showed up and surprised me since they were on their way coming home from Asia.

It was a strange day because I should have been studying but instead I spent the whole time eating with my parents and looking at their pictures from their trip to Asia. After they left, I felt, well at peace. It was weird. I mean I saw everything beyond my problems. If I screwed up my classes, I could always do summer school. It would suck but it wasn't the end of the world.

This goes beyond her being a celebrity. This about a woman who is in serious trouble. I have nothing against a woman shaving her head, but the way she went about doing it, I mean this isn't normal.

Leverage: Part 2

"You said I would throw their families into Guantanomo Bay? Jesus Christ,who the hell do you think I am? Alberto Gonzales?"

"I was really pissed. The whore called me a J*P and they called where I work a virgin hellhole."

My Dad became silent on the phone.

Thanks to my trusty intern, I managed to get the Christmas presents wrapped and sent out by 8:30 pm. As soon as I got home I called to tell my Dad what happened. He made me describe what happened from the moment I walked in and what I said. He asked for every detail including what people said, how they acted and what their faces looked like.

I have to admit it was very unpleasant since it was a very f**ked up morning and I had no desire to relive it. But it was necessary. My father first cut his teeth in law by helping people who were in need of legal help while he was in law school. He learned very quickly that a lawyer was only as effective as their client. It is either full disclosure or nothing. A good lawyer wants to hear everything so they can prepare themselves when it comes up in court. If this was going to blow up, he wanted me to be prepared to take those hits.

"Sweetie, I have to make something very clear. Did you make any remarks about their race or religion? Their physical features?"

"No."

"Are these girls African American, Latino or Asian?"

"No. They are just generic white girls from Long Island. Straight up B&T."

"Did you ever call them B&T?"

"No."

"Did you ever make negative remarks about Long Island or New Jersey?"

"No."

"What about the other intern? What is his ethnic background?"

"He's Asian."

"Did you make any disparaging remarks about his race? Any references to Rosie ODonnell and the ching chong incident?"

"No. "

"Not even in a joking manner? Did you ever ask him if he was related to Bruce Lee or if he was good at math or has he ever eaten a dog?"

"No. I was really nice to him."

"Your whole interaction with HR, your boss and the interns was solely focused on the poor performance of those interns?"

"Yes. "

"The interns were the ones that made the J*p comment and other disparaging remarks?"

"Yes."

"Did you raise that chair high enough to be noticed?"

"I don't know."

"There's no I don't know. I don't know is bad. It means we are dealing with the unknown and judges hate the unknown. Depending on how they feel that day they will either rule for or against you."

"Do you think this will go to court?"

"I don't know."

"Thanks Dad."

"What do you remember about the chair?"

"I grabbed it and began to raise it and my boss stopped me and told me it wasn't worth it."

"Did you raise it over your head?"

"No."

"Above your waist?"

"No."

"Can you estimate how many inches off the ground?"

"Maybe an inch of two. It wasn't very high since my boss got to me first."

"When your boss told you to stop, did he yell?"

"No."

"Did he speak loudly? Was he audible?"

"It was sort of like a low whisper?"

"Sort of?"

"It was a low whisper."

"When you made that comment about me throwing their families into Guantonamo were the interns facing you?"

"No. "

"Did they respond?"

"No."

"Where were they when you said those comments?"

"They were out of the room."

"How about the idiot from HR?"

"She ran after them."

"Did she see you do anything with the chair?"

"No."

"Did she respond when you made those comments?"

"No."

"Did anyone see you raise the chair?"

"No."

"Did anyone make any comments about what you said about your father being able to put people into detention camps?"

"No."

I could hear the legal wheels turn in my father's head. When I was a child I often spied on him in his favorite chair watching a football game. But I could tell from the look on his eyes that he wasn't focused on the game. He was carefully constructing a legal strategy in his head, putting together moves and countermoves. I always wondered what he was thinking. Maybe he was envisioning himself in court or maybe he was playing hardball in the negotiations over a deal.

"I don't think anything is going to happen to you."

"I practically caused a scene at work. There has to be some type of consequence."

"If there are any actions taking against you , it will probably minor at best. Your grievances were meritorius and you did not engage in any type of unprofessional behavior. You made no remarks about race, religion or their physical looks. You did not act in a fashion that was discriminatory. As for that dumb ass remark about Guantanomo bay and attemtping to brain them with a chair, that could be grounds for dismissal, but it appears your boss was the only witness to that incident and I don't see him bringing that up."

"So what should I do?"

"Just go to work."

"What do you mean just go to work?"

"Just go to work. You're Bill Murray and its Groundhog day. It never happened."

"But what if this keeps blowing up? What if my boss turns against me and the interns and HR heard me?"

"Then you get fired. Once that happens I'll send a crew of my most insane litigators that will start screaming about suing about discriminatory practices, negligence and other some other s**t we will make up. After a week of slamming our d**ks on the table, we will agree to settle out of court in exchange for 6 months of severance and some amazing references."

"Do you think it will work?"

"What did I ever tell you about lawsuits?"

"It is not about winning in court. It's about wearing the other side down."

"Exactly. Once they figure out how utterly deadly my people are in the courtroom, they will realize that giving in to our demands is helluva lot more economical then going toe to toe with us."

"Okay."

The realization that I could be fired was sobering but at least I knew what I was dealing with.

"I can't believe you made that comment about Guantonomo Bay?"

"Why?" Was it that offensive?"

"No. I am just surprised that you ever heard of it."

Leverage

Its too f**king cold. All I want to do is curl up with a bowl of hot lentil soup anda warm fire. Of course I don’t have a fireplace and I forgot to order Fresh Direct.

Anyways I have a new job now. Same company but a whole new group, it is kind of weird how it went down.

Remember those two glamour asses who almost f**ked me over? Well, I took my father’s advice and created leverage. I began to examine those two girls very closely in trying to figure out who they were and trying find leverage.

There wasn’t really much to find. They were typical Paris Hilton wannabes, poseur types who thought wearing a tie dyed shirt automatically made them Grateful Dead fans. These were girls who followed their fashion tips by watching Extra and worshipped the Bachelor, confusing it with reality. These girls truly felt that because they were at trust fund level, my level, because their daddies could afford to buy them a BMWs, rhinoplasty and shell out a small fortune for college. Because of these privileges, they thought were entitled to everything the world had to offer because they were never refused.

Then it hit me. They were college students, seniors to exact. Wheels began to turn and that is when I began to put together my plan.

I was really nervous as I sat alone with the rest of the unwrapped presents. True to form they were running late, which was fine. It gave me enough time to head off D. I set him off on a Starbucks run on me and to take his time getting back.

When the girls came into the office I made sure that I was sitting across the door so I was the first thing they saw.. When they came into the door they were giggling up a storm. That is when I sprung into action. I asked them to sit down because I needed to talk to them and then I let loose both barrels.

I told them they were pitiful excuses as interns and they should be ashamed of their conduct. Instead of helping me they were hurting not only myself and the entire company. These presents were extremely important because they not only served as goodwill but the represented the company itself to the outside. But as interns all they did was screw around and waste time by needlessly lowering the productivity of the office and inducing a tremendous amount of stress in the workplace including racial discrimination. Then while they were down, I wound up for the kick. I told them it was going to end now and tonight we were going to finish sending out the presents. Even if it meant staying here all night and sleeping in the office.

Then I threw the kick. I told them if they did not comply I would contact their advisors and informing them that they did not fulfill their responsibilities as interns and should receive credit for their time here. I reminded they were probably already on thin ice at Angel Feathers and if they were looking for help they weren’t going to get any.

Before setting up this ambush, I found out from my old boss at Angel Feathersthat all these interns did was waste valuable oxygen. Their performance was no different than what I experienced. In fact my old boss had been demanding that they be let go but Staty Puft didn’t and my boss told me I was free to do what I want with them. As they say in Battlestar Galactica, I was “weapons free”.

You would have thought I had just set fire to their collection of N’Sync albums because they went apesh*t. They started screaming about how they still had Christmas shopping to do and that they still hadn’t gotten ready to pack. Their rage fest went on for 5 minutes while I watched with an amused look on my face.

Then they marched out.. I knew I was going to hit them below the belt since they were seniors and they probably needed the credits to graduate. Doing another semester of interning was definitely going to put a crimp in their graduation plans.

The next thing I knew there was a pow wow with my boss, HR and the two girls. The girls were letting loose the waterworks as they bawled their tears out./ One was complaining how that she needed the cries because she was going a broad to Europe next semesters and the other started to scream that this was going to mess up her law school applications. As if she had a chance.

Stay Puft was really pissed off. Any of her passive aggressive tendencies were burned away with hot rage. She was screaming at me that I had no authority to do what I did. My boss was having a nervous breakdown as he kept repeating that all I had to do was wrap some Christmas presents and instead I end up causing a mutiny.

Then I took out a set of emails. I explained to them that I had asking for help with this situation for quite awhile but I was getting blown off. The emails dictated my conversations with the boss, which was basically to do what I had to get the job done and my emails to HR that were never replied too.

Then Stay Puft demanded how I knew that the two interns were on thin ice? I told her I assumed that due to their horrible work ethic I assumed they sucked ass at everything else they did. Of course I wasn’t going to rat out my former boss.

Finally cooler heads prevailed. The girls stopped crying and the boss and staty puft were vented out. The boss realized there was no one around to help me out and told them that they had to get these presents taken care of today even it meant staying after hours. The girls began to protest but he then told them that it was either this or he was going to make some calls to their advisors.

My boss made the executive decision

“Here’s the deal. You two are going to help PP with the presents even if it means staying around till after hours”


Stay Puft jumped in.

“Excuse me. I am the only one with the authority to do this.”

My boss shot back
“You lost that authority.”
“Excuse me.”

“Did you even respond to any of PP’s emails? Did you even try to help her or talk to the interns?”

“I have been extremely busy. Just like you.”

“So you did get her emails?”
“Yes. But..”

“ But it is your responsibility to put these fires out which you have failed just I have. Right now, I need to get these presents out. If you got a problem with this then talk to G.”

The girls began to whine again.

“Why do we have to do this? Its not our fault this whole thing is screwed up.”
“Why are we doing this

My boss roared back.

“Listen. Obviously your boss didn’t want to deal with you and dropped you off to the nearest sucker, which is me. Here’s the deal wrap all the presents or no credit!”

The girls walked out of the room screaming and cursing away.

“I am not staying one minute in this virgin hellhole.”
“Stupid f**king J*P.”

Suddenly I lost cool and found hot and grabbed a chair, but before I could do anything stupid, the boss held my arms. The girls ran off with Stay puft following them.

I screamed.

“B**ch, what the f**k did you say? Do you even know who the f**k you are dealing with? My Daddy can have you and your family thrown into Guantonomo bay!”



“Just relax. They are not worth it”
My boss said.

At that moment D walked in.

“Something happen? I just saw the wonder twins run screaming out of the building.”

“I just used some leverage.”

D smiled.
“Perhaps we should leverage ourselves in wrapping those presents.”

OMG

I have just come back from eating all you can eat sushi in the West Village and I have been toilet for like a half hour taking a dump that could fill the east river.

I wasn't in the mood for sushi but it was my goodbye dinner from Section 9 before I started my new job. This has been such a weird month.