Sunday, February 11, 2007

Leverage

Its too f**king cold. All I want to do is curl up with a bowl of hot lentil soup anda warm fire. Of course I don’t have a fireplace and I forgot to order Fresh Direct.

Anyways I have a new job now. Same company but a whole new group, it is kind of weird how it went down.

Remember those two glamour asses who almost f**ked me over? Well, I took my father’s advice and created leverage. I began to examine those two girls very closely in trying to figure out who they were and trying find leverage.

There wasn’t really much to find. They were typical Paris Hilton wannabes, poseur types who thought wearing a tie dyed shirt automatically made them Grateful Dead fans. These were girls who followed their fashion tips by watching Extra and worshipped the Bachelor, confusing it with reality. These girls truly felt that because they were at trust fund level, my level, because their daddies could afford to buy them a BMWs, rhinoplasty and shell out a small fortune for college. Because of these privileges, they thought were entitled to everything the world had to offer because they were never refused.

Then it hit me. They were college students, seniors to exact. Wheels began to turn and that is when I began to put together my plan.

I was really nervous as I sat alone with the rest of the unwrapped presents. True to form they were running late, which was fine. It gave me enough time to head off D. I set him off on a Starbucks run on me and to take his time getting back.

When the girls came into the office I made sure that I was sitting across the door so I was the first thing they saw.. When they came into the door they were giggling up a storm. That is when I sprung into action. I asked them to sit down because I needed to talk to them and then I let loose both barrels.

I told them they were pitiful excuses as interns and they should be ashamed of their conduct. Instead of helping me they were hurting not only myself and the entire company. These presents were extremely important because they not only served as goodwill but the represented the company itself to the outside. But as interns all they did was screw around and waste time by needlessly lowering the productivity of the office and inducing a tremendous amount of stress in the workplace including racial discrimination. Then while they were down, I wound up for the kick. I told them it was going to end now and tonight we were going to finish sending out the presents. Even if it meant staying here all night and sleeping in the office.

Then I threw the kick. I told them if they did not comply I would contact their advisors and informing them that they did not fulfill their responsibilities as interns and should receive credit for their time here. I reminded they were probably already on thin ice at Angel Feathers and if they were looking for help they weren’t going to get any.

Before setting up this ambush, I found out from my old boss at Angel Feathersthat all these interns did was waste valuable oxygen. Their performance was no different than what I experienced. In fact my old boss had been demanding that they be let go but Staty Puft didn’t and my boss told me I was free to do what I want with them. As they say in Battlestar Galactica, I was “weapons free”.

You would have thought I had just set fire to their collection of N’Sync albums because they went apesh*t. They started screaming about how they still had Christmas shopping to do and that they still hadn’t gotten ready to pack. Their rage fest went on for 5 minutes while I watched with an amused look on my face.

Then they marched out.. I knew I was going to hit them below the belt since they were seniors and they probably needed the credits to graduate. Doing another semester of interning was definitely going to put a crimp in their graduation plans.

The next thing I knew there was a pow wow with my boss, HR and the two girls. The girls were letting loose the waterworks as they bawled their tears out./ One was complaining how that she needed the cries because she was going a broad to Europe next semesters and the other started to scream that this was going to mess up her law school applications. As if she had a chance.

Stay Puft was really pissed off. Any of her passive aggressive tendencies were burned away with hot rage. She was screaming at me that I had no authority to do what I did. My boss was having a nervous breakdown as he kept repeating that all I had to do was wrap some Christmas presents and instead I end up causing a mutiny.

Then I took out a set of emails. I explained to them that I had asking for help with this situation for quite awhile but I was getting blown off. The emails dictated my conversations with the boss, which was basically to do what I had to get the job done and my emails to HR that were never replied too.

Then Stay Puft demanded how I knew that the two interns were on thin ice? I told her I assumed that due to their horrible work ethic I assumed they sucked ass at everything else they did. Of course I wasn’t going to rat out my former boss.

Finally cooler heads prevailed. The girls stopped crying and the boss and staty puft were vented out. The boss realized there was no one around to help me out and told them that they had to get these presents taken care of today even it meant staying after hours. The girls began to protest but he then told them that it was either this or he was going to make some calls to their advisors.

My boss made the executive decision

“Here’s the deal. You two are going to help PP with the presents even if it means staying around till after hours”


Stay Puft jumped in.

“Excuse me. I am the only one with the authority to do this.”

My boss shot back
“You lost that authority.”
“Excuse me.”

“Did you even respond to any of PP’s emails? Did you even try to help her or talk to the interns?”

“I have been extremely busy. Just like you.”

“So you did get her emails?”
“Yes. But..”

“ But it is your responsibility to put these fires out which you have failed just I have. Right now, I need to get these presents out. If you got a problem with this then talk to G.”

The girls began to whine again.

“Why do we have to do this? Its not our fault this whole thing is screwed up.”
“Why are we doing this

My boss roared back.

“Listen. Obviously your boss didn’t want to deal with you and dropped you off to the nearest sucker, which is me. Here’s the deal wrap all the presents or no credit!”

The girls walked out of the room screaming and cursing away.

“I am not staying one minute in this virgin hellhole.”
“Stupid f**king J*P.”

Suddenly I lost cool and found hot and grabbed a chair, but before I could do anything stupid, the boss held my arms. The girls ran off with Stay puft following them.

I screamed.

“B**ch, what the f**k did you say? Do you even know who the f**k you are dealing with? My Daddy can have you and your family thrown into Guantonomo bay!”



“Just relax. They are not worth it”
My boss said.

At that moment D walked in.

“Something happen? I just saw the wonder twins run screaming out of the building.”

“I just used some leverage.”

D smiled.
“Perhaps we should leverage ourselves in wrapping those presents.”

3 Comments:

Anonymous Guillaume said...

It's amazing that you can tell a story in which you are clearly a character that did the right thing and did it with a reeasonable amount of tact, and yet still came out of it sounding like a spoiled, whiny bitch.

"I can have your family sent to Gunatanamo"? I mean, please.

5:03 AM  
Blogger flowersj said...

That Guantanamo comment was the icing on the cake for me....good work!

1:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am proud of you, PP (aside from your explosion at the end, but Rome wasn't built in a day). And I think your dad is probably proud of you as well.

Our little girl is really growing up!

5:55 PM  

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