Saturday, April 08, 2006

Employment Limbo

It is my mistake that I thought you were the last person to add to your group . It turns out we’ve got way too many staff members in your group now and there is nothing for them to do and we are over our budget. We deeply appreciate all of your help but unfortunately we have added a new member to your team whose presence is of highest priority. Thank you again!



I got this email on while watching Katie say goodbye to Today from HR. I had to read it a couple of times until I realized I was being let go. Then I completely freaked. I called my boss on her cell but kept getting her voicemail. Finally I emailed it to her.

For five minutes I was undecided on what I should do. Should I show up for work or should I just wait it out? Then I started to get really mad. Who the hell fires people over email?

There was absolutely no warning over this firing. Then I thought what did I do wrong? As far as I can figure I did everything right. I worked really hard on the fashion presentation and put in the elements that they asked for. I started to get really pissed. I mean how dare they do this to me? How dare they fire without any explanation without warning, what kind of prick fires someone through email?

Then I got a call from my boss.

“Listen. I am sorry this happened.” She growled to me

“What’s going on? Did I do something wrong?” I asked

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re fine. There has been an addition to our group but there was some budget issues and I was told we were in the process of working that out but the final decision was up to me. So this is complete bulls**t.”

“But then what should I do?”

“Ignore the email. Just go to work. I will talk to HR”


“What if they call security and have me thrown out? I have read about how companies get rough when they layoff people.”

My boss sighed.
“Sweetie, just go in and if anyone asks what you are doing there just tell them to talk to me.”

“Okay.”

It was very uncomfortable when I went to the office. People were staring at me with surprised looks on their face and some of them whispered. I did my best to ignore them and concentrate on the report I was writing about becoming a blonde. I really had to hold my s***t together when the HR person arrived, who I will call Stay puft because she has a body of a marshmallow. Her office is near my cubicle and I could see from the corner of my eye as she walked in with a look of shock. Then she had the f**king gall to walk up to me.

“”Morning PP.”

“Morning.”

“Did you get my email?”
“Actually J wanted to talk to you about that.”

“Oh. Ok.”

Then she waddled off as if nothing was wrong. F**king whore.

Ten minutes later my boss walked with the taste of blood in her eye. She barreled right past three people who said good morning to her, went straight into Stay Puft’s office and that is when all hell broke loose.

“Who the f**K do you think you are to fire one of my team members?” My boss screamed.

“Excuse me? You do not talk me to like that.” The HR manager whimpered while trying to act tough which her made her sound more pathetic.

“Bitch, I will talk to you anyway I want. I bring in an assload of money to this company. Which gives me the authority to do whatever the f**k I want. And if I decide to my put my Manolo Blahnik up your ass, you will bend over. Which brings us back to my original question. Who the f**k are you to fire one of my team members?

“I didn’t fire anyone. All I did was fulfill my orders.”

“Don’t even try the “I was just following orders card.” It didn’t work at Nuremberg and it sure as hell isn’t going to work here.”

“Could you please close the door?”

“No. I want this door opened so the whole office can hear what an incompetent whore you are.”

Stay Puft switched to passive mode hoping to calm my boss down.

“I realize you are upset but I am just doing my job as HR manager which is to maintain the employment integrity of this company.”

It doesn’t. She keeps on reaming her.

“Your job as HR manager is to pass out the coffee and b***jobs. Not to act as f**king busy body f**king up the entire program.”

“I am not a busybody!” Stay Puff wailed. “ I have shown nothing but dedication and loyalty to this company since I started as an intern.”

“Well I have news for you. You’ re still intern. Except you are just paid to push paper instead of getting credit for it. And no one gives a f**k how much dedication and loyalty you have shown to this company, you are just a cog. We all are. The only difference is that we all know our place except for you. Even the interns know that hiring and firing is up to head of the groups. Not HR. And what kind of pussy fires someone through email? My god, you don’t even have the balls to look someone in the eye and tell them they are being let go.”

“Well in certain situations HR needs to step in.”

This answer really pissed my boss off.

“Hello! This isn’t one of those situations. And what the f**k is this bulls**t about my team having nothing to do? My team members are the most overworked employees in this company. You have no idea what they go through everyday to get shit done. Did you know Melissa nearly whored herself out to a f**king production coordinator just to get better access for Fashion week? To say there is nothing for them to do is to spit on me and to spit on my team.”

“I’m sorry. It is just that G gave the go ahead to make the changes.”

“Did he tell you to call me first?”

“No.”

“That is such bullshit. G knows that I would go crazy. It explicitly states in my contract that I control the Angel Feathers group hiring and firing protocols. ”

“G told me to make this happen and he said last hired, first fired.”

“He said that?”

“Yes. He emailed me.”

“I want to see that email.”

“I can’t show it to you. It’s confidential.”

“You are such a f**king liar. You know what? F**k you. Get G on the phone right now.”

“I can’t do that. He is with a client.”

“You have five seconds to get him on the phone or I walk my ass over to Conde Nast and take with me ten million dollars worth of accounts.”

I heard the sound of keys being punched at light speed and the receiver being lifted.

“What the f**k are you doing? Put him on speaker. I want to hear what he has to say.” Growled my boss.

“Can you at least close the door.” Peeped Stay puft.

There was a loud slam and then more voices screaming at each other. Then it was quiet. Time seemed to stand still. Everyone stopped what they were doing and strained their ears. Suddenly the door opened and my boss stepped out and called for me.

I walked into the office to seem my boss glaring at Stay Puff who looked like she was on the verge of tears. Stay Puft looked at me and slowly began to speak.

“PP, I apologize for the confusion this morning. We are going to clear this whole thing up, in the meantime we have agreed that it would be best for you to maintain your current position until further notice. I just want to let you know that your work here has been exemplary and that we have no intention of letting you go.”

“Thank you.”

“Are we done here?” coldly whispered my boss.

“Yes.”

We left and Stay puff closed the door.

“Let’s get some coffee before she starts crying.” Said my boss.

“Too late.” I said as muffled sobs started to come out of the office.

We were at Starbucks where my boss bought grande cappuccinos and explained the situation.

“G has been trying to land this client in does a lot of work outsourcing work in India. And if he gets him it will give the finance group more credibility and he has been trying to get Gecko group off the ground for quite awhile.”

She took a slug of coffee.

“Apparently, a couple of weeks ago he was at a party in Billyburg and he ran into some girl who is friends with the client’s daughter. And coincidentally this girl is looking for a job in fashion. Anyway G told her to send her resume and he would see what he could do. He shot over an email to me and HR and we were going to try figure out how absorb her. Then G sent an email yesterday telling us all to get a move on since he was meeting the client next week and he wanted to use the client’s daughters friend as leverage. HR bitch panicked because there wasn’t any money in the budget for another staff member, which is why she decided to fire you. The problem is that she does not have the authority to do that. Hence, this is how this whole s**t storm came to be.”

“So tell me about the new girl”

“Nothing very impressive. She is graduating from NYU this semester with a degree in Metropolitan studies. It’s one of those resume padding bulls**t majors that is supposed to apply to a lot of fields but is to broad for its own good. She just started interning this year at this bullshit non-profit that throws these media events where corporations write out these enormous checks to have their d**ks sucked by the public but she has no fashion skills. In fact she hasn’t done any student activities that relate to fashion.

My boss lit up a dunhill.

“Fashion wise, she is pretty average. She kept talking about Williamsburg was the s**t and it was going to take over the fashion scene since it made boho chic mainstream. Any pedophile who jerks off to Full House would know that the Olsen twins are responsible for making the boho chic popular not those coffee slingers from Billyburg.”

“What does she look like?”

“She is a pretty average looking strawberry blonde haired girl from Jersey. Her only real asset is that she wears a D cup which is probably got G’s attention in the first place.”

“Greeeat. The girl with ta tas always gets ahead.” I said as stared at my coffee.

“PP, I know this sucks. It is a complete WYK deal and you are getting the ass end of the stick. Just give it a couple of days to clear this up. We’ll make this right.”

“What about HR?”

“Did you hear what I said about her job?”

“BJs and coffee?”

“Exactly. Don’t worry about HR. She coordinates. I am the one who dictates and that is all that matters. I can’t believe that stupd b**ch actually tried to pull my d**k.”


Since then I have been doing my work, which is kind of hard since it is like trying concentrate with a noose around your neck. The last I heard from my boss was that there would be a meeting next Tuesday.

4 Comments:

Blogger Courting Couture said...

Good thing u have a boss who's rootin for you.

As for pictures, go right ahead. I just stole em from friendster and facebook anyways. =D

10:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations PP.
I'm happy to hear that your employment luck is on the upturn after all you went through to find a career direction. It would have been awful for it to have gone the other way. I hope your parents are proud of you.

By the way, you write very well.

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Ally said...

dear god i hope you get fired

9:17 AM  
Blogger Pradaprincess said...

Dear Ally,

F**k you.

Love,

Prada Princess

10:37 AM  

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