Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Spouseless

"Do you want to get married? You like children? You want to have your own children. Every girl wants to have children even lesbians."

"Well hello to you to mom."

Of course it is my mother's way to greet me with questions about my ovarian instincts. It is the way of the Jewish mother to nag their children to the point of their kids wanting to rip their own ears off. Since I have been employed I have been able to shield myself from any attacks from but this time her tone of voice had a bit more of panic to it than normal.

"Did you get my email? Did you read the article?"

"Yes. I did."

"Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"Right now. Nothing."

This was the wrong answer. For it set off a tirade.

"Sweetie, you need to get serious about. You need to start thinking about your future."

"I have plenty of time."

"PP, time moves very fast. One day your out at frathouse having a kegger, then the next you know you your celebrating your 35th birthday with a 100 housecats."

"Mom. Your being irrational."

"No. I'm being realistic. Here's the bitter truth. Being single is horrible. You need to get married so that you have somone to share the burden of life."

"Oh that is really comforting. Dad can tell you that married couples are some of the most miserable people in the world."

"Which just proves my point. They at least have somone to be miserable with."

"Ugh."

"Did you know that your grandmother considering putting a marriage clause in your trustfund?"

"What?"

"She was thinking of putting in a clause that only you more access to your fund if you got married. But she decided against it. She felt that it would be unfair to interfere with your life in that fashion and you be resentful if you felt you were forced into making such an important decision. All that mattered to her was that you married somone who loved and respected you."

"That was very sweet of her."

"Yes. I know. So what's taking you so long?"

"Mom."

"PP, my worst fear is to be on my death bed knowing that you are living alone in the world. Don't let me die like that."

"Mom, stop being dramatic. You're not going to die."

"I am eventually. And I would like to know before I take my last breath that I haven't raised a spinster."

"Well I have sometime before that happens."

"Oh my god. That is so inconsiderate."

"What?"

"Your going to wait till I am on my death bed to get married? That is unbelieveable."

"Mom. That's not what I meant. Jesus."

"PP, I have known many a socialite and debutante with money to burn and looks to match. The smart ones usually get married. Sometimes they get divorced, some stay together in loveless marriages and others get lucky and live happily ever after. But I have seen others who decide to stay on the field even when their game is over and another team is coming onto the field. I knew this one girl who practically lived in Studio 54. During the 80's she went off LA to try to become an actress/singer/model. Then she went off to India to join an ashram. I ran into her recently she is now a teacher at a yoga studio. We caught up. She went through some relationships but never got married. She talked about these amazing experiences she had. I was really in awe of she did. But then I realized something. All she had were memories. I mean, I will never do even half of what she does and I respect her decisions but all she has left are stories and what is the point of having stories when you have no one to tell them to."

"So what do you have to show for your life?"

"Two beautiful children."

"So it is all about procreation."

"Well its more than just extending the survial of my DNA, it is know that your father and I created with our love something special with the two of you."

"Aww that's sweet."

"So have you tried speed dating? That's an event I know of a synagogue that has a lot of cute Jewish doctors. If you don't hurry up they will all be taken."

"Well according to this article they are going to remain single for awhile."

"Just think about it. The last thing you want to happen is realize your 50 years old and you want a kid and you pull a Madonna and start kidnapping every third world child you find."

"Just email me the link."

I think my mother does have a point. I don't want to be an old maid. I mean these statistics are pretty f**ked up.

In 2005, 51 percent of women said they were living without a spouse, up from 35 percent in 1950 and 49 percent in 2000.

Coupled with the fact that in 2005 married couples became a minority of all American households for the first time, the trend could ultimately shape social and workplace policies, including the ways government and employers distribute benefits.

Several factors are driving the statistical shift. At one end of the age spectrum, women are marrying later or living with unmarried partners more often and for longer periods. At the other end, women are living longer as widows and, after a divorce, are more likely than men to delay remarriage, sometimes delighting in their newfound freedom.

In addition, marriage rates among black women remain low. Only about 30 percent of black women are living with a spouse, according to the Census Bureau, compared with about 49 percent of Hispanic women, 55 percent of non-Hispanic white women and more than 60 percent of Asian women.


I mean there is two ways to look at this. Being single is the new normal for women. women are more comfortable not being members of the institution of marriage. In fact they don't need to be married to be happy. The other perspective is this all just a facade by women who are facing the reality that they will be alone for the rest of their lives. So they put on a shiny face and proudly show their singlehood as a badge of honor. There's nothing wrong with that. However women shouldn't confuse acceptance as happiness. Accepting a situation that you can't change is simply adapting to it. You are no longer in conflict with it because you are not confronting it. But it doesn't mean you are happy. you are just resigned to this dynamic.

But marriage is really complicated. It is not just about love but it is also about asking the right questions and see if you and your spouse are on the same page. Because nothing sucks more than being in a committment and realizing the person you are comitted is reading a differnt book. That's how I lost him.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you mean J-date?

10:11 PM  
Anonymous Magdalena W said...

Prada princess, I too am a Prada-wearing, rich, white girl, who has lived all over the world and had all sorts of opportunities-- from Milan's fashion shows to development work in Mongolia. BUT, I traded all that in for a quiet, married life (I'm only 26 yrs old). I'm married to an engineer-turned-medical-student, have a 1 yr old son, and am amazingly content. I can say with all my heart that, though marriage and motherhood take more work than any career can, I don't wish for my former, independent, money-making life. Having a husband is sometimes bliss (lots of sex) and sometimes rather constricting (when I'd like to shop Milan's Via Spiga and NOT the grocery store), but it is excellent to have another individual to plan life's outrageous adventures with. It takes daily sacrifice --like most goals in life-- but the satisfaction from a successful marriage is very worth it.

I sincerely hope you do find a great husband (they're rare, since both men and women these days are lazy and selfish and do not see the joy in sacrificing for each other).

8:09 PM  

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