Laying the hammer down

The office is still reverberating from what I pulled off with the Christmas presents but as far as I am concerned, I had no choice and I got the job done. Here's how it went down.

My teeth began to grind whenever I heard the voices of these two glamour asses. It was only several days before Christmas and only half of the presents were ready to be shipped off.

But these two Olsen twin wannabees from Long Island were completely useless as they spent most of their time web surfing and taking twenty minute smoking breaks. Even though they threw in another intern for me, these two b****es were completely f**king up the program.

They would show up late for work and then spend most of the time f**king around on the computer. Then they would bitch and moan about why they were doing this and that they should going back to Long Island to help with Christmas with their families. Then spend their time talking about Laguna Beach and the clubs in the meat market. When they weren't working they would be out flirting with the rest of Section 9. It would take me twenty minutes to track them and when I would find them they would be surrounded by a bunch of geeks giggling away as they sipped their cappucinos.


Then my boss who was of no help since was he undergoing 5 mental breakdowns a day and every email I sent him was replied with "Just get it done." The only time he ever talked to me was to yell at me to keep the glamour asses in check since they were disrupting the productiivty. I was at my wits end when I called and left voicemails and emailed HR but I never got a response. It wouldn't surprise me if she was screening my calls after our last meeting.

But apparently she was listening since D the intern jumped into the scene. He was a Chinese kid from Baruch on the chunky side. I was hoping they would become motivated when they saw him action. He was f**king machine as he began wrapping and slapping tape on the presents.

I came inches away from stabbing them with a pair of safety scissors when I sent them off to get more wrapping apper and they didin't return till the end of the day with a completely fabricated story about that they were running all over the city looking for wrapping paper.

It got worse for D since these girls went into full Lindsay Lohan mode as they began make catty comments why he wasn't in Harvard if he was so smart and why was he such a kiss ass. And when the whole Rosie O'Donnell broke out, they cculdn't making comments about the connection between Chunky's ethnicity and Rosie's grasp of the Mandarin language . At one point they asked him if he was related to Connie Chung because of his last name.

He tried to laugh it off but I could see from the slight twist in his face that he was angry and he just wish they would stop. I would try to jump in and chill them out but they would use the excuse of "Oh it's just a joke." or "The constitution protects us to say whatever we want."

I felt powerless and impotent. I was at the mercy of these b**ches who thought they were hot s**t because they went to Gallatin and they both drove SAABs. I could get a fleet of SAABS with a snap of my fingers. They think they are rich because their parents own a used car dealship and a 5 Dunkin Doughnut franchises. That's not rich. I'm rich. They are just B&T.

But I don't say s**t. I am too scared. If I piss them off they will take off and screw me over and I am left to deal with this situation.

That night I called my Dad for help. If there is was anyone that could tell me how to get control of the situation it was him.

After presenting him with the situation he went lawyer on me and with a stoic tone began to put the whole thing together.

"Your objective is to wrap up and send out those presents?"

"Yes." I said as I curled up in my bed.

"And these two girls are supposed to help you?"

"Yes."

"And they are not only preventing you from doing your job but they are also creating a hostile enviornment for one of the interns that could potentially result in a lawsuit?"

"Yes."

"Besides telling you to get the job done your boss has been unable to assist you in the matter?"

"Yes."

"And HR has also been equally unhelpful."

"Dad, is there a point to this?"

"Just bear with me. So basically you are the one in charge?"

"Yes."

"Then this is a simple matter of leverage. You are the authority which means you have leverage over everyone."

"Leverage? What leverage? I can't even get two interns to follow my orders."

"Then you have to create it."

"How the hell do I do that?"

"Do I have to do everything for you?"

"Dad, please. I really need your help."

"Okay. Do you know why I am such a successful lawyer?"

"Why?"

"Because I have a high rate of settling cases before they even go to court. Clients love that because going to court sucks. When you go to litigation you failed in your job as a lawyer. When you go to litigation you are putting the welfare of your client in the hands of a judge or jury. And the key to success is all about leverage. I learned early on that leverage is all about wants and needs. Whenever I face another lawyer my objective is to figure out what their client wants and needs are. Once I figure that out I will determine how to take control of their wants and needs and then I get to call the shots. If you want to break in those wannabe Paris Hiltons in then you have to determine their wants and needs."


"So how does this apply to my situation."

"Figure it out."

Then he hung up.