This is not the time....

I am going insane right now. I have to do prepare a presentation on fashion trends for a client. Apparently the client saw Matt Lauer doing a piece on new fashion looks for women and has gone apesh*t because she thinks that it will set a precedent. The woman worships at the altar of Katie Couric. Personally I am an Ann Curry girl but that is just me.

Anyway the client was going on about the new fashion terms like the rocker and something called the librarian look. I can still see my boss shaking her head while the client yammered on the speaker phone. My boss assured we would set up a presentation that applies to these trends. The she hung up and reached for her smokes.

"I hate these f**king fashion magazine editors."

My boss lit up a dunhill.

"The only reason they want to get on the Today show is to gratify there already enormous egos and to drum more sales for their fashion rags which of course justifies deforestation."

She inhaled and blew smoke out of her nose like a dragon.

"You would think these fashion magazine editiors would put some effort in their work. But no, they simply rehash old fashion trends, slap on some cliches and turn it into some garment cesspool that would make Janice Dickinson vomit. As far as they are concerned the rest of America shops at Wal Mart so fashion editiors figure as long as they reprocess the information into bite size pieces for them to consume, the money will roll in."

She took another drag.

"And besides why take a risk on something that won't increase magazine sales? Afterall, people who watch the Today show are obviously too stupid to understand sophistication. It's this type of snobbery and ignorance iswhy we have so many red states. The rest of the country is so pissed at this they join grand old party to get back at us New Yorkers."

I think my boss is in the wrong line of work. Perhaps she should have become a sociologist.

That all happened yesterday. And now I am going insane reading fashion magazines and tearing apart google images. To make matters worse this is has to be a powerpoint. I haven't used powerpoint since college. So tomorrow I have to review my old notes on powerpoint.

HOwever what has really caused me to pop my tampon is the the reaction to one of my last entries.

It seems an army of gastric bypass candidates have become outraged over what I said about burlesque. What really suprises you all took some time out of your busy schedules to sample the entire menu of value meals from Mickey D's to read my blog.

No. I am not going to do a smackdown. I should. In fact if I had it my way I would leave bear traps baited with junior's cheescake at your doorsteps and then after capturing you all, hollow you out and sell your husks as wetsuits for hippos. Alot of you really crossed the line but I realize it is not your fault. It is just fat rage.

I am not going to apologize for what I said. I call it the way I see it. And I am only speaking for myself. If you can't get over it then please go somewhere else where freedom of speech is repressed. In fact don't read this blog if you can't laugh or see another perspective.

What is the ideal female body type? I have no f***king clue. All I care about is that my ass doesn't look huge and I don't look like a Vietmanese pot belly pig. That's me. I am not super thin but I have lost a couple of pounds in the last couple of weeks and I am able to wear some outfits I haven't worn in a year.

If you want to shave your head, pierce your nipples with ice picks and run around with a pair of live plucked chickens glued to your bare ass, well go for it. It's your choice. But don't be so naive that no one is going to think your crazy and don't be surprised that people make comments about you.

If these women felt they are breaking down stereotypes by expressing their sexuality through burlesque. Fine. But I am not buying what they are selling. And I don't have to bow down with the rest of the fattened masses to say they are so great. I am not going to shut my mouth just because they are on this holier than thou mission.

As far as I am concerned all I did was make make some humorous comments about obese woman running around with thongs. And for some people, humor is another word for obscene. And if they want to take pot shots at me, well I am cool like that.

But what really pisses me off is the vicousness of some of these comments. And I know that the majority of comments were from women. It is all woman on woman hate. You would think that at least the fairer sex would be able to get along and create a civilized environment for debate. But no. We immediately pass judgement and begin the stoning. This is one of the reasons why women have it so hard being successful since we are tearing each other down. Stop the hate.

I'm so mad. I am going to rip open that box of oreo klondikes.

Blogger Babes

Remember my Vagina Code entry that everyone went apes**t over?

As I was doing research I spotted this interview from Daily Fashion about this group of female bloggers. It features “Jolie in NYC” Haobsh, Washingtonienne Jessica Cutler, Brooke “Belle in the Big City” Parkhurst, Opinionista Melissa Lafsky, stripper Mimi Foe, drowned Fishbowler Rachel Sklar, and Heather “Fish” Hunter.

These girls are hardcore bloggers which include a stripper, a former lawyer and somone who got fired from fashion magazine only to arise from the ashes with a book deal.

Comparing to that New York Magazine article, these bloggers are so much more cooler than those writers. Except for Jessica since she was featured in both which automatically makes her cool.

These girls are the future. These are the girls that deserve book deals and tv series. They are the ones that are going to take their Jimmy Choos and shove em up those Sex and the City wannabes. These girls live the life.

Today is St. Patrick's day and my usual tradition was to get together with the claque and dress up as Catholic school girls and see who would get hit on first.

All that is long past now. Time to find new friends. I wish they were my friends.

Burlesque: Stripping for fat girls

I am in the fashion trends department and part of my job is looking through the news for trends. I hope to god this doesn't become popular.

Welcome to Burlesque 101 at the Red Hots Burlesque School of Shimmy, where 17 beginners — including one man — learn the history of burlesque, how to develop a costume and comic character and how to pick a stage name.

Armed with boas, shimmy skirts and feather fans, they tackle the bump, the grind, the shimmy and the shake.

"I really do want to be a burlesque dancer," said Nancy, 26, an art director who favors vinyl for her costume and calls herself Agent N. She said: "This way I get to do my own thing on my own terms. That's what's so great about it. It's freedom of expression, expression of my womanhood and my sensuality."

Freedome to let loose your enormous thighs onto the world is not sensuality or woman hood. There are somethings human civilization was not meant to see. One of them was women who pack away three sticks of butter for breakfast jiggle the junk in their trunk.

I think this is a serious saftey hazard because women who do this in public can cause spontaneous blindness. Somone has to close this place down.

Getting ready

"So when do you start work?"

"Next week."

"How is your back?"

"Getting better."

"So what is this place?"

"It is a media consulting firm. I sent my resume out them a month ago and I didn't hear from until recently when they wanted to schedule an interview."

"So what will you be doing?"

"I am working as a media specialist."

"What is that?"

"I will be examing trends in the media and writing up analysis reports."

"In other words you will be watching tv and reading Vanity Fair."

"Yeah."

"Why did I even bother going to med school? Have you told Mom and Dad?"

"Yeah. They were pretty happy."

"Of course they were. Now they don't have to cut you off."

"What? They were going to cut me off?"

"Not exactly. They were going to give you some more time but if you are still acting like a yenta by the usmmer they were were going to pull the plug."

"But they couldn't. Grandma set that up for me. There's nothing they could have done."

"Honey, this our parents were talking about. Our dad has a laundry list of Fortune 500 companies he has brought to their knees. He wouldn't break a sweat shutting your trustfund down. And besides, Grandma's lawyers are scared s***less of mom. They would gnaw their own legs off to avoid getting her mad at them."

"That is so f**ked up! I can't believe they would even think of doing that?"

"You are such a pillow case. I can't believe you are that oblivious. The signs were all there."

"What signs?"

"Oh my f**king God. What the f**k have we been doing for the past year but yell and screma at you to do something with your life."

"oh. I kind of blanked that out. It was too traumatic for me."

"It would have been really traumatic for you if you couldn't use your platinum card. Now be glad that you are not slinging coffee at Starbucks for health insurance."

Maybe yoga is overrated.

Perhaps I should give this a go.

Clearing of the mind

I have these funky yoga tapes that have been lying around my apartment for about a year and just recently I started to use them since I heard yoga was great for relieving back pain. It has made a huge difference and now I am addicted to yoga.

I got really freaked out after the first day of doing yoga because I was filled with all this s**t. I mean, like rage, anger, hostility, pain and other negative feelings. Memories of every bitch, c**t and a$$hole who has ever f**ked with me seem to come out all at once. It was like this weird like flashback to stuff I haven't thought about in years. Stuff I thought I let go, like my gig at the law firm was steamrolling back into my head. Or the time I got beat up by those girls at the birthday party in Chappaqua when I was in 6th grade. It was so overwhelming that I wanted to get into a fight with anybody on the street. I wanted to line up those people and punch up in the face.

It got so bad I could barely blog since I felt so paralyzed with my anger. It got to a point where I would screen my calls. The BS is really annoyed about that. But I just could not deal.

But after it would go away I would feel really calm and peaceful. I was considering just stopping yoga cold turkey until I found this.


You may experience a variety of negative emotions, along with their associated thoughts. You should welcome these feelings, because they are cleansing. Be with the feelings in the Witness, neither reacting to nor rejecting them. In this way you access deep, hidden levels of body-held suppressed negativity and open the door to transcendental experiences of higher consciousness, approached through the body.

I guess it worked because I was really relaxed for that interview.