Happy New Year

I am spending New Year’s Eve on the Upper West Side. Not at chic bar or restaurant but in an apartment. My parent’s apartment, alone.

There. I said it. Except for the television and the web, I will by myself. My parents aren’t going to be around since they will be partying with friends. Knowing that my parents have a better social life than me is kind of depressing.

Why? Lack for friends, I'm ugly, I smell. Take your pick. In all honesty it is due to lack of effort.

In all honesty I have been dreading this day. When the clock hits midnight the couples will in each other’s arms kissing an dancing while I will be watching the ball drop alone on my couch with leftover Chinese food. But I am coming to terms to my status for tonight’s events. In fact it is an appropriate way to end such a sh***y year. However I am going to be discrete. Which leads to New Year’s Eve alone protocol.

When you are spending New Year’s Eve alone there are certain strategies you need to implement.

First of all do not spend it at home. Coming back from a New Year’s Eve party is symbolic. You have just said goodbye to the past and you are embracing a new year. Part of the process is coming home from a party or a weekend or whatever. You just want a feeling of having done something. This is why people go to Times Square and freeze to death.

Also if you live in a building that has a doorman like I do, you don’t want to advertise that that you are a loser with no social life.

Rich single people usually leave town, go the left coast or Europe, Asia, a cruise something. So that when someone asks what they did for New Year’s, they just say they went away. And that pretty much fills up the gaps.

Now I decided to keep my plans low key since it was too late to book flights to St. Maarten. I opted for the family route, which is staying at my family’s co-op. All I have to sayt is I spent it with family and friends which is true but since I am at my parents apartment and they are spending New Year’s with the friends. Okay. It’s a stretch but as far as I am concerned it works.

The problem with spending New Year’s Eve at your parent’s home is that you might run into people you know. This happened to a friend of my sister’s from college. His New Year’s eve plans went straight to hell when he broke up with his girlfriend and was in no mood to spend New Year’s Eve with anyone so he decided to spent it alone at his parent’s house playing Xbox and watching porn.

At one point during his marathon of Jenna Jameson threesomes and killing zombies he got a hankering for burgers and fries and went out to pick up his food. At that same exact diner he ran into several of his former high school classmates. I forgot to mention it had been a year since he graduated and was still unemployed and his classmates at that time were rolling along with their lives with jobs or engagements. It was a rather awkward situation. Which leads to my next rule.


Buy all of your New Year’s Eve supplies before hand preferably two days before. But if you have to do it last minute fine, but the cutoff is at 3pm. After that, you lock yourself up till the New Year. If you go out by yourself after chances are people will notice that you are someone with no place to go and no one to go with.

For example, if you are dressed up in a D& G black cocktail dress and are at line at Whole Foods it means that you are either prepping for a party or grabbing some food to eat. Now if it is 6pm and you are wearing jeans and a windbreaker and getting a bottle of stoli it is obvious someone is alone tonight.

That is why I bought all my party goods before 2pm and locked myself up in my parents apartment. I even bought my dinner of Chinese takeout at lunchtime. I chose 2pm to come in because at 2:30 the shift changes so the new doorman on duty won’t know that I am in the apartment all alone.

I think you should be as dry as possible when you are alone celebrating New Year’s. It is depressing enough as it is when you drink alone but on New Year’s eve? After the first glass you will want to shove your face into the garbage disposal. If you want to drink, then let it be half a beer or a very light alcoholic beverage. Just enough to take off the edge off. The last thing you want to do is be involved in an incident of drunk dialing where you are calling everyone of your ex-boyfriend demanding why they broke up with you.

As soon as the clock strikes midnight turn off the tv. Cleanup and go to bed. Treat it as another night.

Done and Done

I maybe out of a job. But I don't care. I sent out all of the Christmas gifts and in the process managed to crush the hopes and dreams of two intern whores and protected an innocent kid from their clutches. If I get fired for that, fine. Fair trade as far as I am concerned.

I'll talk about this more later, in the meantime I am looking forward to get my drink on.

OMFUG

I have until Tuesday to finish sending out these presents. I think I will murder the two interns before that. Bad news. They gave me more presents to wrap. Good news, they gave me another intern. He's a bit porky. But he is nice and dependable.

Slitting my wrists.

As if my life isn't complicated enough they have given me two interns who are completely useless. I mean I have to repeat my self ten times. How hard is to to set up a bunch of priority mail boxes? To make things worse they come straight from Angelfeathers, my old group and the first they said to me was "Aren't you the girl who got fired?"
These two glamour asses think they are so hot cause they go to Gallatin and constantly drop the Olsen twins and act like they are their BFFs when in fact they only shared one class with them. What the f**k is worng with these kids? Do you think you are entitled to a be f**king moron just because Britney Spears forgot to wear underwear?

And it is a sad state of affairs if you don't know how to use a pair of scissors properly. I don't know how many rolls of wrapping paper that have been destroyed because these stupid whore riders don't know how to tape properly.

What is really annoying is that the packing is delayed because my boss hasn't signed his Christmas cards. Yeah, I said it. Christmas cards. Not Channukah cards or holiday cards. No. I am not going to sue anyone.

Every time I leave the room I have to do an inventory of the presents so they don't walk off. I also have to make sure that if I leave the room, it has to be clear of anyone and the door has to be locked. That means if I have to go to the ladies room I have to kick the interns out and when I come back I have to gather them up which is a pain in the ass because they are usally nowhere to be found. Ever since that stupid f**king temp tried to boost the DVD players, the boss has become ultra paranoid.

Even when I do hunt them down and drag their carcasses back back they end up surfing the web in the room. I am going to kill somone.

Christmas Gift Detail

Last night I got a call from the Trainer while catching up on episodes of the OC.

"PP. We have a major problem."

"What's going on?"

"We almost got completely f**ked over by one our temps."


I don't know why he said one of our temps since there is only one temp I know of who works in our office. He is a thin scraggy burnout who got hired two weeks ago to wrap up Christmas gifts for clients. But he seemed more inclined to hit on the girls and scrounge for swag.

"What happened?"

"The f**ktard has been selling the gifts on eBay."

Trainer explained that the boss was doing a search on eBay for DVD players. He bought a bulk order of DVD players to be sent as gifts to clients. Out of curiosity he went onto to eBay to see if he could get a better deal. He came upon one seller who was selling the exact type of DVD player that he had purchased. He did a little more research and realized the seller was the temp. He immediately went back to the office to do a quick inventory when he ran into the temp packing up the dvd players onto to a cart.

The boss asked him what he was doing. The temp said he was getting an early start in sending out the gifts. The boss pointed out the boxes weren't even wrapped and besides he hadn't even writing out the gift cards for the temp. The temp yammered out some excause about doing it at the post office. The boss pointed out it was Sunday. The temp tried to bulls**t his way by saying that he was going to the 24 hour one. It got really tense when a girl, presumbably his girlfriend, entered the office and blurted out to the temp that Big Joey, (These are the trainer;s exact words) was getting impatient and wanted to know when the DVD players were arriving.

The boss went ballistic, fired the temp and told them to get out before he called the cops. Even while being kicked out, the temp portested and tried to make sure he was going to get paid for his work or lack therof.

The boss did an inventory of the DVD players and to his relief they were all there. But they still needed to get wrapped.

"Which is where you come in PP. We need you to wrap up the Christmas gifts."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm Jewish."

"Jesus f**king Christ! Half of the staff celebrate Passover including out boss! And these aren't Christmas gifts, they are holiday gifts."

"Why doesn't he just hire another temp?"

"Don't you think I suggested that? Boss says there is no time to find someone qualified for the job and besides, he is so f**king paranoid about the gifts dissappearing that he wants somone in -house to take care of it. Do you know he changed all the locks after that douchebag left? Now we have to get everyone new keys."

"Dude, I have like 3 market reports deadline reports to meet. I am in the middle of writing a scathing review of last weekend's Galactica which was really crappy as far as I was concerned."

"I talked to Otaku. He agreed to pick up the slack for you."

"Trainer, I ahte doing s**t. It is so tedious and time consuming."

"Listen, if you can't do it, then I have to do it."

"Wait a minute? The boss gave you this job?"

"He gave it to me delegate."

"Oh bullsh*t!"

"PP. For f**k's sake, just help me out here. My schedule is already packed enough as it is. Please. I will make it up to you."

I don't know why. But I gave in and agreed. So today I will be stuck in a room preparing gifts to be sent out at the end of thsi week. This is going to really suck.

Waiting

This year needs to be over soon.