Happy New Year

I am spending New Year’s Eve on the Upper West Side. Not at chic bar or restaurant but in an apartment. My parent’s apartment, alone.

There. I said it. Except for the television and the web, I will by myself. My parents aren’t going to be around since they will be partying with friends. Knowing that my parents have a better social life than me is kind of depressing.

Why? Lack for friends, I'm ugly, I smell. Take your pick. In all honesty it is due to lack of effort.

In all honesty I have been dreading this day. When the clock hits midnight the couples will in each other’s arms kissing an dancing while I will be watching the ball drop alone on my couch with leftover Chinese food. But I am coming to terms to my status for tonight’s events. In fact it is an appropriate way to end such a sh***y year. However I am going to be discrete. Which leads to New Year’s Eve alone protocol.

When you are spending New Year’s Eve alone there are certain strategies you need to implement.

First of all do not spend it at home. Coming back from a New Year’s Eve party is symbolic. You have just said goodbye to the past and you are embracing a new year. Part of the process is coming home from a party or a weekend or whatever. You just want a feeling of having done something. This is why people go to Times Square and freeze to death.

Also if you live in a building that has a doorman like I do, you don’t want to advertise that that you are a loser with no social life.

Rich single people usually leave town, go the left coast or Europe, Asia, a cruise something. So that when someone asks what they did for New Year’s, they just say they went away. And that pretty much fills up the gaps.

Now I decided to keep my plans low key since it was too late to book flights to St. Maarten. I opted for the family route, which is staying at my family’s co-op. All I have to sayt is I spent it with family and friends which is true but since I am at my parents apartment and they are spending New Year’s with the friends. Okay. It’s a stretch but as far as I am concerned it works.

The problem with spending New Year’s Eve at your parent’s home is that you might run into people you know. This happened to a friend of my sister’s from college. His New Year’s eve plans went straight to hell when he broke up with his girlfriend and was in no mood to spend New Year’s Eve with anyone so he decided to spent it alone at his parent’s house playing Xbox and watching porn.

At one point during his marathon of Jenna Jameson threesomes and killing zombies he got a hankering for burgers and fries and went out to pick up his food. At that same exact diner he ran into several of his former high school classmates. I forgot to mention it had been a year since he graduated and was still unemployed and his classmates at that time were rolling along with their lives with jobs or engagements. It was a rather awkward situation. Which leads to my next rule.


Buy all of your New Year’s Eve supplies before hand preferably two days before. But if you have to do it last minute fine, but the cutoff is at 3pm. After that, you lock yourself up till the New Year. If you go out by yourself after chances are people will notice that you are someone with no place to go and no one to go with.

For example, if you are dressed up in a D& G black cocktail dress and are at line at Whole Foods it means that you are either prepping for a party or grabbing some food to eat. Now if it is 6pm and you are wearing jeans and a windbreaker and getting a bottle of stoli it is obvious someone is alone tonight.

That is why I bought all my party goods before 2pm and locked myself up in my parents apartment. I even bought my dinner of Chinese takeout at lunchtime. I chose 2pm to come in because at 2:30 the shift changes so the new doorman on duty won’t know that I am in the apartment all alone.

I think you should be as dry as possible when you are alone celebrating New Year’s. It is depressing enough as it is when you drink alone but on New Year’s eve? After the first glass you will want to shove your face into the garbage disposal. If you want to drink, then let it be half a beer or a very light alcoholic beverage. Just enough to take off the edge off. The last thing you want to do is be involved in an incident of drunk dialing where you are calling everyone of your ex-boyfriend demanding why they broke up with you.

As soon as the clock strikes midnight turn off the tv. Cleanup and go to bed. Treat it as another night.