An Important Annoucement

Attention Kmart Shoppers. I am constipated. That will be all.

Matt Lauer: Hot and hairy

OMG. I always thought he was cute in that bookish sort of way. But wow. Lauer is so diesel.

But he seriously could use a good wax. I can only imagine how bristly he is in the morning.

OMG Britney Spears is enormous

Good lord! Britney just stepped for the Kid's Choice Awards wearing this maternity/summer dress. Those are definitely not implants. I hope she is storing the milk for a future date. All the boys are staring at her with their mouths dropping to the ground. Her milk mountains are quite a sight. I hope she talks about time travel.


Here comes Kevin. Okay this is weird. There is this Michael Jackson motif of young boys popping ut and a grand piano. Because every knows grand pianos makes everything classy. And now K-fed pops out from the piano. He's also throwing some ruff war lyrics because they are silencing it out.

I guess this was part of the pre-nup. Yeah he is one dope brotha. No surprise he was at the end of the show. If he performed any earlier, the audience would have walked out. Oh god Britney. What have you unleashed upon the world?

I am in pain

Watching Kids Choice awards. Nick Lachey just won. Didn't show a shot of Jessica. Although I am a little young to remember the 80's, this show has that overall feeling especially Riahnna's performance with laser light shows and the fedoras. But then it again it makes sense since she is sampling tainted love. Where are you K-Fed? Show me that you are worth (as CC would say) impregnating the biggest goldmine this side of Oprah.

Day off

“Dude. You have been watching way too many episodes of CSI. In order to retrieve that data you need a lab and couple of weeks. Considering your deadline, it would be a waste of my time to show up.”

“Mother******. Your time is meaningless to me. My time is the only thing that concerns me and your job is to service my time! How dare you speak to me that way? Do you know who you are? You are a f***ing drone that can be replaced at anytime by some cow worshipper in the land of the downward dog. You should be sucking my a**hole because you are employed. You better get here right now and fix this problem.”

This was my boss yesterday afternoon at 4:30 screaming on the speakerphone at the help desk or as we call them “hurt desk”. At that time our computers crashed and we were in the process of putting the finishing touches on a 100 page report for a very well sports client that was due the first thing the next morning. We usually make backups for the reports but we made some major changes that day in the report and we usually do the backups at the end of the day.

It was college all over again as if we were putting together a term paper for a hardass professor and our computers crashed. The all-nighter consisted of all of us searching for drafts, hardcopy and electric and doing more searches online. I was on bedpan duty and I went through the garbage cans and the recyclable bin to look for discarded copies. I learned too much about about my co-workers. One likes to chew on sunflower seeds, another eats reeses pieces like a fiend and there is someone is obsessed with his gums because of all the toothpicks in his garbage can.

At around 2am we had the whole report completed. The IT guy never showed up. The boss told all of us to take the day off tomorrow since it was going to be pretty light for the next couple of days.

So I am now I am withdrawing from chugging a six pack of Starbucks double shot espressos. I kind of wish I was in work because I am getting completely grossed out by the Jon Bonet Ramsey coverage.

This guy is beyond twisted and I think that a needle in the arm is too good of a punishment for him. I hope he meets the same end as Dahmer.

My new theme song.

Officially addicted to Fergie's London Bridge.
Goodbye Ain't No Other Man.

When I come to the clubs, step aside
Pop the seeds, don't be hating me in the line
V.I.P because you know I gotta shine
I'm Fergie Ferg
And me love you long time

All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back drop it down real low
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho
Because you know what, I don't give a ****
So here we go!

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge wanna go down
Like London London London
Wanna go down like
London London London
Be going down like

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge wanna go down
Like London London London
Wanna go down like
London London London
Be going down like

Drinks start pouring
And my speech start slowing
Everybody start looking real good

The Grey Goose got the girl feeling loose
Now I?m wishing that I didn't wear these shoes
It's like everytime I get up on the dude
Papparazzi put my business in the news
And Imma get up out my face
[Oh ****]
Before I turn around and spray your *** with mace
[Oh ****]
My lips make you want to have a taste
[Oh ****]
You got that? I got the bass!

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge wanna go down
Like London London London
Wanna go down like
London London London
Be going down like

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge wanna go down
Like London London London
Wanna go down like
London London London
Be going down like

When I come to the clubs, step aside
Pop the seeds, don't be hating me in the line
V.I.P because you know I gotta shine
I'm Fergie Ferg
And me love you long time

All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back drop it down real low
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho
Because you know what, I don't give a ****
So here we go!

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge wanna go down
Like London London London
Wanna go down like
London London London
Be going down like

How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge wanna go down
Like London London London
Wanna go down like
London London London
Be going down like

Pins and Needles

Everyone is freaked out. Word is that that G is going to whack one of the groups. If it is our group it won't be first time.

It was really tense. All of stayed till 8 because there was word that G would be dropping in and see who was slacking off.

Sigh. Looks like another pint of BJ tonight.

Its too hot to blog

I have been a bad little princess. But it is not my fault. This new job is running me into the ground. Trainer is teaching me Quick Books and excel. He is a complete utter taskmaster, yelling at me everytime I make a mistake. So far I have gotten into three screamign matches with him. Each time we scream the boss comes in and screams at us to shut up. It must be the heat.

In meantime I give you Kelly Clarkson's enormous carbodydrated belly. You can't look away.