Tense

Every office has one. The person who is a complete busy body. Busy with other people's business but their own. We have 5 of them. They are a ghoulish gaggle of girls that remind of the claque. But less pretty and less rich.

We have the Toucher

I call her the toucher because she touches people, all the time. When you say hello to you as you pass her by she grabs your wrist and squeezes it. She has this annoying habit of putting her hand on your back if she is behind you. And it is not a love tap. It is a firm pat and drag down your back. It is especially annoying in the morning when you have only 4 hours sleep and haven't had your cappuccino. What makes it really creepy is that she is a 200 pound woman with flattop haircut. Did I mention she likes to wear designer jeans.

Meet the Chat.

This girl is always talking. Whether it is in a group, cell phone, at the copy machine, online. Even when she is not talking she is talking. I think she raised the quarterly profits of Verizon with texting alone. Maybe if she put this much attention into her work she would actually amount to something.


Billy girl,

This name was given by Rantman based on a some cartoon about a stupid boy, a girl,
and the grim reaper. She is really dumb. It Rantman three hours to explain to her the concept of ebay and how to use it. And like most dumb girls she is blond, beautiful and has an enormous rack. Which is probably the reason she hasn't been fired already.

The Engager

She has been engaged for a year and everything she does is all about her wedding. What type of ring she is getting, her wedding dress, her reception, her fiancee and her in laws. Which is the reason why she can't get her work done.

Blow

It seems every two hours she locks herself in the bathroom. I have walked by the bathroom only to hear her loud snorting. Then she talks about her rampant hay fever to cover up her taste for nose candy. Not only does she do it. She gives it to. The Crow spotted her coming out of the supply closet with one the guy employees with a paper towel pressed against her mouth.

I haven't blogged about these people because, well they are not worth it. Also they have been isolated in their own corner of the loft. But the game has changed. Orders from top has forced us all to consolidate and starting next week we have to play musical chairs with our desks. Word is that some of the space is being rented out to some other company. Not a good sign. Salad Dancer layoffs are in the air. Hedge fund money is starting to dry up.

I am tired of this. I know what is going to happen. Political turf wars, missing paper weights and eternal games of Who Moved My Cheese? Not looking forward to this.

Random conversation in the office.

This was a conversation I heard around the office after the whole Vanessa Hudgens nudie picture.

"Would you do her?"

"Hell's no."

"Why? She's legal."

"Dude, look at that enormous afro growing in between her legs. Your d**k would get lost in that jungle."

"Yeah, she really needs to look into a brazilian wax."

Yes. I work with these people.

Before and after

Anyways, Rantman was going apes**t over the new Indian Jones movie and he practically creamed in his jeans when he heard that Karen Allen from the first movie was in it.

When he saw the most recent photo he could not stop gushing over her.

"Isn't she beautiful?" He exclaimed.



"She had some work done." I said as I munched on a rice cake.

"No she didn't. She looks just like she did from the first movie."

"You can't look that good without help from a plastic surgeon."

"Karen Allen would never do that. She is so anti-hollywood. I mean she was in Animal House. That is just make up and lighting."

So I went back to my cube and did a search on Karen Allen and found smoking gun.

"Take a look at this." I said finishing off rice cake crumbs.




"Who the hell is that?"

"Dude, this is your girl friend."

"No f**kin way."

"Yes f**king away."

"Wow. She's old."

"It happens."

"She was my first childhood crush. Thanks for destroying those memories."

"Happy to help."



I don't know why but I got grim sense of satisfaction from what I did. I mean there is nothing wrong with plastic surgery. Once my parts start to sag I plan on getting them tightened up. As far as I know, Karen Allen looks fantastic and more power to her for going under the knife and the botox needle. From what little I know about her it appears that she is not the type of woman to deny she had plastic surgery unliek other celebrities.

But it was the fact that Rantman was so enamored that I realized that I needed to pull back the curtains to reveal what the wizard looked like.


Later that day I found out that Rantman was also a fan of the biggest loser and he also had a thing for Kim Lyons.





"Hey Rantman."

"Go away."

"Come over here. I have something to show you."

"No."

"Just go away."

"I am not going to leave you alone until you come over here."

"You are just going to crush my spirit."

"Exactly. Now you can get it over with now or I can drag out the pain for the next 3o months."

"Fine."

Rantman got up and walked over to my screen.






"That isn't who I think it is." He said with his eyebrows raised.

"Yup."

Then Salad Dancer and The Crow walked by.

"Gummi worm?" Salad Dancer offered.

"Who's the dude in the bikini?" Crow asked

"It's not a dude. Its Kim Lyons." Rantman muttered.

"Who's Kim Lyons?" asked Salad Dancer.

"Oh, uhh she's on the biggest loser." Crow answered.

"She is the trainer for the red team." Rantman muttered some more.

The Crow and Salad Dancer began to talk while, Rantman stared in horror and I just sat back watching the circus.
"I love that show. My favorite part is watching the final episode to see how much weight they all lost."

"Are you sure that's Kim and not her brother?"

"I knew those things were implants. I mean they are hardly move when she works out with her team."

"I always thought that it was just a really good sports bra."

"Sports bra is that good."

Then Rantman pulled a TMI.

"I have to pull her out of my spank bank."

"Spank bank? Oh. That is so gross!" groaned the Crow.

"Dude that is not cool. I do not need to know about your social life." chimed Salad Dancer.

I just grinned, pleased with myself for causing the train wreck.






"

About damn time: Oops she really did it this time

Britney Spears has lost her kids. Big surprise. It was going to happen sooner or later. With reports of her doing drugs and partying every night, it was going to come to a head. She has been burning both ends of the candle, for goodness sake, she doesn't even have a driver's license.

It looks real bad for her mental state. I mean I don't see her pulling out of this one. When you have that much money and no one to say to stop except for yourself. It is unlikely you are going to change your bad habits. This I know from personal experience.

So what now girl? What are you going to do? You are going to clean yourself or keep being fodder for the tabloids?