Last night I was invited to Jdate's Super Bowl party. I shouldn't call him Jdate since qwe are not dating anymore but it is just easier that way. I made it way all the way to Chelsea to his huge loft that he his Wall Street bonus money on.
We spent most of the time watching and making fun of the commericials. What was really funny was when a group of the guys began booing the Kermit the Forg ad when they found out it was ad for an hybrid car. I found out later that they were part of an oil hedge fund. I hadn't been out for a while since Aspen so it was nice to be around people.
I was talking with a group of girls when the subject of Williamsburg came up. We were talking which bars we hit when this guy who I will call rantman, who had one too many started screaming about Williamsburg.
"Williamsburg is so overrated! I can't wait till housing prices get so high so that those idiot hipsters who don't have real jobs have to move to the Poconos." He screamed.
We giggled at him and Kelly started to talk
Kelly
"There is this new boutique that had the cutest.."
Rantman
"So last week I went to this party in Williamsburg."
Kelly stopped and we decided to watch to see him implode seeing that he wouldn't shut up. It was straight out of Seinfeld.
Rantman
"So I am at this party. I just got out of work from making another 10 million dollar trade and I get invited by one of fraternity brothers to this party in Williamsburg. Normally I wouldn't f**king bother because I live all the way up in the upper east side but he told me that the girls at this party were starved for d**k with a steady paycheck that I was guaranteed at least a month's supply of p***y as long as I could buy more than a couple of falafel sandwiches. So I go. And let me tell you. I don't know what the f**k people are talking about. Williamsburg is a f**king dump. I mean I don't know why the f**k everyone wants to live there. I mean brownstones are nice all but it is really depressing."
He took another swig of his Stella.
"So anyway I am talking this really cute girl who is a photographer.."
"You mean she's a waitress." yells out Kelly.
Yeah your right." screams out Rantman. "All those f**kers in Williamsburg work in the food service industries because they don't have an education to get a real job."
"So what happened?" someone yells out.
"What happened? What do you... Oh, oh. Anyway I am talking to this girl. I am getting a really good vibe. I mean she is open and I am on the verge of closing on her when her friend comes by. Her friend is alright. I mean she is basically built like a 12 year old boy. I mean she has nothing. no hips not t*ts. And she has this awful short haircut that makes her even look more underage. I mean if she a had a d**k, Michael Jackson would be all over that s**t. As soon as she walks up to us the first thing I am thinking is.."
"Threesome!" yells out one of his friends.
"Shut the f**k up." screamed Rantman. " No. Cockblock. And I was like f**k, how am I going to pull this off?"
Rantman takes another sip.
"Now the Nambla poster child doesn't say hello, doesn't say hi. She says to me. 'Why are you wearing pleated pants?' Then stares at me like I was like the biggest idiot in the world. I was like what? She went on saying that no one wears pleated pants. I try to laugh it off and continue my conversation with the hottie hoping thatMacaulay Culkingoes away but she doesn't. Instead she stands there and proceeds to loudly attack me and my pleats. She keeps saying that no one wears pleats. That only 70 year old men with huge bellies wear pleated pants. I mean the b***h would not shut the f**k up. But I try to laugh it off but it gets really annoying especailyl when she starts to drop names at this store she works in where she claims all these rich people show up. But what really sets me off is when she gets the hottie to agree that pleats are unflattering since they make you look bigger. I had just lost 20 pounds last year and this god damn mininmum wage monkey was calling me fat. I must have looked really pissed because she said to me don't mad I am just trying to help."
At this point we are all looking at Rantman waiting to hear what he did.
"So I say ot her. 'Well at least I can afford to buy pants with pleats.' Then Dennis the Menace shoots back. 'Well apparently you can't afford taste' I retaliate 'Taste? Taste? What the f**k do you know about taste? Look at you. You shop at the Salvation army. The only brand name you can afford is Kraft mac and cheese. She pulls the job card. again. 'I work at yadda yadda where people whip AMex black cards to buy..' Then I cut her off. '...s**t that you will never afford on your salary even if you saved for ten years.' Now at this point I realize I hit a raw nerve cause she looks really flustered. So I hit her back with my the job card. "Last year I took home almost took home 2 million. This year I will probably triple it. So while your searching for change in your couch for your remen noodles. I will eating at Peter Luger's. And besides the last person I would get fashion advice is from somone's whose idea of trendy is dressing like a warsaw ghetto victim.' Do yourself a favor and grow your hair before you make someone breaks megan's law.'"
We all started cracking up. I mean this was really funny.
"What happened next?" asked Kelly.
Rantman took another sip of Stella and continued.
"Where that's where it almost got violent. Apparently at the party, fashion victim had 5 guys there that she hooked up with regularly and they took offense to what I said. Normally I wouldn't give a s**t but three of those guys worked as bouncers at the same bar. Needless to say they were very large. But I had 4 of my fraternity brothers there and three more were on their way back from a beer run. So cooler heads prevailed. Yeah. I didn't get laid that night but f**k it was worth it putting that hipster b***h in her place. Who the f**k is she to talk down to people who have health insurance while she has to go to the free clinic for her herpes."
He drained his beer. "That's the problem with our society. There are alot of people out there who don't know their place."
